I know that three blogs in one day is quite excessive. But I can't seem to still my mind long enough to fall asleep. It is 3:30 in the morning. In about two hours my son will wake up, crying to nurse. An hour and a half after that my other son and daughter will wake up and my day will begin. But knowing all that somehow makes it only harder to rest now.
I am thinking about my dream to live in the country. I am imagining what my house will look like. I am picturing the little community of houses we will build. I am decorating the school room for the children. I am putting a swing on the beautiful maple in the courtyard.
Now I am awkwardly choosing who can live there. No, I don't want to do that. Just let the right people come. 'Please G-d, send us the right people.'
It's been a while since a thought (or stream of thoughts) has so completely overtaken me that it has kept exhaustion from overtaking me. By the end of the day I often can hardly stand long enough for a shower. But not tonight.
I want to think about the myriad of things I still have to do tomorrow before our long drive. And about how tired I will be for that drive. But I try to stay present. Tonight there is just me, my son squirming in his bed, my husband's snores, and the train's horn in the distance.
Every moment is an opportunity to grow, connect, live. And I wonder, where is the potential in this moment? It is gravid with anticipation. But I want to lighten it and fill it with emunah, acceptance. I start to call out to G-d and give Him my ideas, my plans. Instead I will try to quiet enough to perhaps hear what His plans are for me. And if that doesn't happen, maybe I could just let myself be in a state of listening.
In order to listen I guess I need to stop talking. So good night everyone.