I haven’t written for a while now. There has been so much happening in my life, so many changes. And a lot has been brewing between Husband and me, and as I’ve mentioned in the past, he does not enjoy sharing his inner most private life with the world, the way I do. Can’t imagine why. But I experienced something today that I want to hold on to. No, not hold onto as much as be with, roll between my hands and feel into…
To be frank, I had a shit day. Bad sleep. Stress rolled onto my shoulders from yesterday and the day before. Yearning for the supportive embrace of my husband, but his hands were holding his share of the stress. I spent much of my day filling out applications for my children’s schools and financial aid. These applications eat away at my soul. (Yes I am being dramatic, but what’s the point of having your own blog if you can’t be dramatic?) Seriously, I HATE FORMS. They always want a clear, precise answer. But my life has NO CLEAR PRECISE ANSWERS. So I am left feeling like a child, taking a test, unable to understand the instructions, therefore feeling my failure before I mark an answer.
Meanwhile, I let the kids veg out on Netflix, because there was no way I could handle forms AND disarm the angry mob chanting “What can I doooo?” “I’m BORED.” “Mooooooommmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy.” The guilt over rotting my kids’ brains, and turning them into shallow culture, media obsessed, instant gratification zombies, was piled on my already heavy load.
And to top it all off, I was living with resentment against the only other human in the house who could offer me adult conversation, logic, comfort. Because, in his stress, he doesn’t speak nicely. And I get really hurt, then angry, then resentful, when someone doesn’t speak nicely to me. And I didn’t care if he was right with anything that he said, because the way he said it to me hurt my feelings. And yes, I feel like I am 8 years old when I say my feelings are hurt. And yes, I am 32. And that’s all there is to say about that.
Meanwhile, I watch a show, to zombie out my own brain, when I finally finish with the forms. And on the show is a character who seems to brighten people’s days by being extra nice and cheerful, even when things are tough for him. I have this thought, ‘I’ll be extra nice and cheery in this world when my husband starts being nicer to me. Because then I won’t be so angry and hurt all the time.’
Yeah, did you feel that? Because I did. It was like a wall of water hitting me, knocking me over, washing me over. Waking me the hell up. Why? Why would I wait to be the person I want to be? Why would I let someone else decide who I am? If I were angry with someone, why would I then give him total control over me? It’s madness. And I know I’m crazy, but I am NOT that kind of crazy.
So I made a decision. I filled the tub, put on a bathing suit and told my two little ones to get in. And I took a bath with them. Wet, soft, little bodies, giggling, playing, singing songs, cuddling. Smiling. I was smiling. I was getting the comforting touch I craved so much. But in such a different way. And I felt their love so strongly, and it filled me in such a deep way.
All the stresses that were here yesterday, that I woke up with today, they’re not going anywhere. But maybe I can put them down every now and then. Stretch my back. And decide in the moment, Who do I want to be right now?
1. This experience
2. The sunsets lately
3. The blue heron that hung out in our pond yesterday
4. This blog as my place of contemplation
5. Fresh summer berries