An amazing and inspiring blogger friend passed on to me a Leibster Award! Thanks Caitlyn of http://thejoyofcaitlin.com/ This is an award given by bloggers to bloggers, all with less than 200 followers. I definitely qualified! As honored as I am, the rules are that if you receive this prestigious award, you must then pass it on to eleven more bloggers. Kind of a blogger chain letter that makes everyone feel good. The problem is that I don't really read blogs. Kind of hypocritical to want you all to read my blog, but not make the effort to read other's. But I write this blog because it's my therapy. And I'm a bit of an over-sharer. And I like talking about myself. And if I have time to read, it will probably be The Small Farming Journal, or The Beekeeper's Bible, or anything written by Joel Salatin. Or it will be Angelina Ballerina.
So I have decided to pass on the award but accept the questions, because I think they're fun. And when I'm done I would like to try something. I would like to ask YOU questions! I'll make up some questions and number them. Then, in the comments section, put down the question number (or numbers) you're answering and answer away! No judgement people. I'm not looking for the wittiest or hippest answer, just an honest one. It's time for me to indulge myself a little less by going off on one of my tangents and learn about YOU! I've seen from my stats that people in Germany, Mexico, UK, Australia, United Arab Emirates and more have all visited my page. I want to meet YOU. And all you Americans, Canadians and Israelis... Speak up! You have a voice and I want to hear it.
But without further ado, I will now answer the questions that were put to me.
1. Where on earth do you feel the most yourself?
It's not a place so much as anywhere where my family is. I feel disoriented if I haven't seen my children for 24 hours.
2. What is your favorite quality in a friend?
It's definitely security. The more they are secure in who they are, the less I feel I have to be anyone but me.
3. Best sandwich you ever ate.
When I was pregnant I used to eat a fried egg with two strips of soy bacon inside two berry buckwheat waffles smothered in cream cheese. It's probably not the most high class, or best sandwich I ever ate, but it seemed like it at the time. (And I ate it almost every morning!)
4. Window or aisle?
Window!
5. Favorite mistake.
So easy. Getting pregnant the third time.
6. What is your dream date night?
Oh man. I don't know the last time I went out on a date. At this point I imagine it would be something like not having to cook one night. But honestly, a dream date right now would be more about not having to worry about anything for one night so I could really just put my focus on connecting to my husband, without all the noise.
7. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A marine biologist. A zookeeper. A vet. Anything that had to do with animals.
8. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Wise.
9. Best advice ever given to you.
Judge others favorably. It completely changes your entire outlook and how you approach life, and even helps with self judgement and forgiveness.
10. Worst advice ever given to you.
"Listen to me..." Anything that started with someone else knowing what's best for me, it generally didn't help at all.
11. Best advice you can give.
You are ok. Who you are. What you are. YOU.
Okay, that was fun! Thanks Caitlyn!
Now, it's my turn to ask YOU questions. Please take the time to answer AT LEAST one question. And if you want, (totally up to you) tell us where you're from.
1. What is your favorite season?
2. What makes you laugh the hardest? (like maybe you pee a little)
3. What noises can you hear right now?
3a. What do you see when you look away from the screen and over your left shoulder?
4. What do you feel when you make eye contact?
5. What age in your life would you relive?
6. At what age, if any, did you feel you were actually an adult?
7. What drives you in life to keep going when it's hard?
8. Who has most inspired you?
9. What is one thing you have always wanted to do, but were too afraid to?
10. Most intimate moment.
11. Most embarrassing moment.
12. What do you fear people will think of you?
13. What do you hope people will think of you?
14. What do you think G-d (Divine, Great Spirit, Whatever name you have) thinks about you?
15. Song that makes you smile every time you hear it.
16. Child's name you love, but wouldn't name your child.
17. One to three words that describe your feelings about being alive.
18. Who do you most want to meet (alive or dead).
19. Does life surprise, bore, excite, bewilder, inspire or depress you?
20. One thing in your life you would do differently if you had a redo.
21. Do we each have soul mates? Or do we make them?
22. Is the world getting better or worse?
23. Favorite part of your body.
24. What is one thing you would change about humanity?
25. If you could put out your message to a lot of people, what would it be?
26. What holds you back from doing what you want to be doing in life?
27. What is something that makes you special?
28. What is something you are thankful for right now?
29. What do you want to be able to say on your deathbed?
30. If you could teleport, where would you go?
31. Do you let shame stop you?
32. What motivates you?
33. What is the recipe for happiness?
34. What is wisdom?
35. Where are you sitting as you're reading this?
36. What's on your feet right now?
37. If you could walk into the kitchen and find anything there to eat, what would it be?
38. What is attractive in others?
39. Are you ok?
40. Can we, as your GoodList Community, help you in anyway, right now?
Okay folks! Pick one, two, ten or all forty and let us get to know you!
And here's my Good List for the night:
1. My cold isn't too bad
2. The chicks are finally out of my bathtub and I took a bath last night
3. Cheesy spinach quinoa for dinner
4. 2 out of 3 kids in bed
5. TONIGHT'S MY HEBREW BIRTHDAY!!!
6. I'm 31 and that's OK
7. Getting the Leibster award!
8. Knowing you're all out there
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Am I a Gas Whore?
Hi. My name is Tovah. I am a Jewish, holistic, natural mothering, teaching, farming, earth loving, humanity connecting pioneer. And I am leasing my land to a large gas corporation.
I gave you some space to inhale sharply, feel your feelings of shock, repugnance and horror, and to judge me harshly. Go ahead, let it out.
When you're finished, please continue reading.
The decision to lease was at once horribly difficult, conflicting and a no-brainer.
But how, you ask, can you come from generations of hardcore leftist liberals and call yourself a sustainable farmer and STILL sell your soul for a dollar sign?
Well, more than once my father has joked about leaving me out of his will due to a difference of political leanings, so consider this my insurance.
On a more serious note, this is a big deal. I do believe in making this world a better place when I leave it than it is now. I do believe that we are going in the wrong direction with our modern day progression. If you asked me what it would take to save the world from itself, I would give you a very simple answer: Go back to community, go back to the earth. What does this look like? Small farming communities. Why? Because it solves world hunger, depression, wealth distribution and greed. I could go on about why that is, but this article isn't really about that. It's about gas.
We hear the words, fracking, gas, oil, and we think, corporate greed, environmental damage, pollution. And it's all true. And yet, this is the world we live in.
But surely to be a part of it, to accept their money, is like whoring your soul. You are condoning what they do.
And to that I say, So are you.
Let me explain: The world runs on fossil fuels. Whether it be dirty coal, imported oil or native natural gas, we all use it. You can ride your bike, use cloth bags and be vegan, but you are still using products made from fossil fuels everyday. Here are some examples from the website http://oilandgasinfo.ca/oil-gas-you/products-made-from-oil-and-gas
Gore-Tex™
Panty hose
Polar fleece
Raincoats
Rubber boots
Runners
Shoe polish
Shoes
Sunglasses
Umbrellas
Velcro™
Vinyl
Zippers
Bathtubs
Brushes
Combs
Contact lenses
Curlers
Dentures
Deodorant
Hair colour
Hearing aids
Lip balm
Lipstick
Mascara
Moisturizer
Nail polish
Perfume
Petroleum jelly (Vasoline®)
Plungers
Rubbing alcohol
Shampoo
Shaving cream
Shower curtains and stalls
Soap
Toilet seats
Toothbrushes
Toothpaste
Vitamin capsules
Cables
Camcorders
Cameras
Clock radios
Computers
DVD and CD cases
DVDs and players
GPS devices
Headphones
Keyboards
Monitors
MP3 players
PDAs
Phones
Power bars
Printers
Projectors
Scanners
Speakers
Toner cartridges
TVs
Two-way radios
Video games
Waterproof cases
Lunch Boxes
Measuring cups
Mops
Pillows
Plastic containers
Plastic pipes
Plastic wrap
Polystyrene (Styrofoam™)
Pop and juice bottles
Sandwich bags
Synthetic fibres
Teflon®
Upholstery
Utensils
Venetian blinds
Wax
Window cleaner
Wiring insulation
Anaesthetics
Antihistamine
Antiseptics
Artificial limbs
Aspirin™
Bandages
Bedpans
Catheters
Cortisone
Disinfectants
Gloves
Heart valves
IV bags
Medicines
Oxygen masks
Pill bottles
Safety seals
Surgical and lab equipment
Syringes
Tools
Trays
Tubes
Artificial turf
Basketballs
Bicycle tires
Bike seats
Boxing gloves
Buoys
Face masks
Fishing line
Fishing lures
Fishing rods
Footballs
Golf bags
Gym mats
Handlebar grips
Helmets
Hockey pucks
Inner tubes
Knee, shin, elbow and shoulder pads
Life jackets
Skateboards
Skates
Ski jackets
Sleeping bags
Snowboards
Soccer balls
Speed boats
Tennis balls
Tennis racquets
Tents
Water skis
Windsurfers
Okay, obviously this list could go on forever, but I am trying to make a point. Am I condoning evil gas corporations by leasing my land, anymore than you are by using their products everyday? If you're answer is still yes, than let's continue.
Fracking happens. Could I protest it? Sure, but where would that get me? Most of my county is already signing up to lease their land, happy that they will maybe, just maybe get to pay off their mortgage and not have to wait until they are 85 to retire from farming. Another interesting point: Law of capture. Look it up. But basically it is the law that whatever was captured on your land, whether or not is originated from your land, if it is feral in nature, belongs to you. Simplified, this means that if a deer is on your land, even if it came through your neighbors, if you catch it, it is yours. (Providing it's hunting season and you have your permit, of course. Something that is taken quite seriously out here.) What it means for gas is that if they put a well anywhere within 2000 acres of you and drill down, then spread out 5000 feet below the surface and take gas that runs under your land, well, it was captured on your neighbors land and they don't have to pay you a dime.
But still, once you take their money, you're telling them you're fine with the rape of American land!
Well, I could not take their money, and they'll rape it anyway, but better to be a rape victim than a whore, right?
Sorry to be so vulgar, but these were the questions I was asking myself. Does it just boil down to 'Everyone has a price?'
But there is yet more that needed to be considered. If we didn't sign a lease we would have no say in what happened. By working with a lawyer who represents the majority of landowners signing leases, we actually have bargaining leverage. We can insist on certain water conservation procedures and land reparation. We can have a say in which company buys up the leases, one with maybe a more moral operation (I do believe such a thing exists, even among evil corporate empires) and a smaller accident rate. We can ask for better compensation. But only as a large group of landowners. By ourselves we are powerless. And against the human desire for more money, especially amidst poor, rural farmers, we are equally powerless. But when it comes to these mega-corporate giants, if we, the farmers, ask for $3,500 an acre for a signing bonus and %18 royalties (the gas companies have been known to offer $10 an acre and little royalties), the corporations may lose $10,000,000, but stand to gain billions. They can do the math. Again, alone we are powerless. In a group we have choices.
When Hilary Clinton was running against Obama, something Obama supporters liked to bring up was that Ms. Clinton was on the board of Wal-Mart. Yeah, sure that looks bad. But when asked about it, Ms. Clinton explained that the only reason she joined was to help sway the corporation to act in a more moral way. That makes sense. There are two ways to change something: grassroots or within the system. I believe I am doing both.
I am going into the system, in my own small way, to hopefully have some kind of influence on how it runs. At least in my small part of the world. And as a consumer I am working the grassroots end of things. I am very conscience of what I consume. One of the reasons I became a farmer (besides the fact that I love dirt) is because it was the only way I could see to become a true environmentalist. I want to produce and share my food locally. That way I can grow sustainably and actually make the land I own healthier and richer than when I bought it. I can influence others to eat local, organic, non-gmo foods by offering them mine. And educating them. And letting them be a part of the whole experience of what they eat. I can reduce carbon emissions by not having my food shipped to me from halfway across the world. Anything you buy in a store took more fossil fuel than you can imagine to get there. And I don't drive to work! As consumers we have more power than any corporation in the world. Corporations exist because we support them.
So if you still feel I am a hypocrite for leasing my land, then I suggest you go out and build an off the grid, energy independent homestead where you produce %100 of everything you consume, and saddle up to get to work. Or perhaps we can all stop judging each other and do our best to make the best choices we can. Because sometimes, (as my wise father told me) there aren't any right choices. There are just better and worse ones.
Choose wisely.
Today I am grateful for SPRING!
I gave you some space to inhale sharply, feel your feelings of shock, repugnance and horror, and to judge me harshly. Go ahead, let it out.
When you're finished, please continue reading.
The decision to lease was at once horribly difficult, conflicting and a no-brainer.
But how, you ask, can you come from generations of hardcore leftist liberals and call yourself a sustainable farmer and STILL sell your soul for a dollar sign?
Well, more than once my father has joked about leaving me out of his will due to a difference of political leanings, so consider this my insurance.
On a more serious note, this is a big deal. I do believe in making this world a better place when I leave it than it is now. I do believe that we are going in the wrong direction with our modern day progression. If you asked me what it would take to save the world from itself, I would give you a very simple answer: Go back to community, go back to the earth. What does this look like? Small farming communities. Why? Because it solves world hunger, depression, wealth distribution and greed. I could go on about why that is, but this article isn't really about that. It's about gas.
We hear the words, fracking, gas, oil, and we think, corporate greed, environmental damage, pollution. And it's all true. And yet, this is the world we live in.
But surely to be a part of it, to accept their money, is like whoring your soul. You are condoning what they do.
And to that I say, So are you.
Let me explain: The world runs on fossil fuels. Whether it be dirty coal, imported oil or native natural gas, we all use it. You can ride your bike, use cloth bags and be vegan, but you are still using products made from fossil fuels everyday. Here are some examples from the website http://oilandgasinfo.ca/oil-gas-you/products-made-from-oil-and-gas
Eye glasses
Flip flopsGore-Tex™
Panty hose
Polar fleece
Raincoats
Rubber boots
Runners
Shoe polish
Shoes
Sunglasses
Umbrellas
Velcro™
Vinyl
Zippers
Bathtubs
Brushes
Combs
Contact lenses
Curlers
Dentures
Deodorant
Hair colour
Hearing aids
Lip balm
Lipstick
Mascara
Moisturizer
Nail polish
Perfume
Petroleum jelly (Vasoline®)
Plungers
Rubbing alcohol
Shampoo
Shaving cream
Shower curtains and stalls
Soap
Toilet seats
Toothbrushes
Toothpaste
Vitamin capsules
Cables
Camcorders
Cameras
Clock radios
Computers
DVD and CD cases
DVDs and players
GPS devices
Headphones
Keyboards
Monitors
MP3 players
PDAs
Phones
Power bars
Printers
Projectors
Scanners
Speakers
Toner cartridges
TVs
Two-way radios
Video games
Waterproof cases
Lunch Boxes
Measuring cups
Mops
Pillows
Plastic containers
Plastic pipes
Plastic wrap
Polystyrene (Styrofoam™)
Pop and juice bottles
Sandwich bags
Synthetic fibres
Teflon®
Upholstery
Utensils
Venetian blinds
Wax
Window cleaner
Wiring insulation
Anaesthetics
Antihistamine
Antiseptics
Artificial limbs
Aspirin™
Bandages
Bedpans
Catheters
Cortisone
Disinfectants
Gloves
Heart valves
IV bags
Medicines
Oxygen masks
Pill bottles
Safety seals
Surgical and lab equipment
Syringes
Tools
Trays
Tubes
Artificial turf
Basketballs
Bicycle tires
Bike seats
Boxing gloves
Buoys
Face masks
Fishing line
Fishing lures
Fishing rods
Footballs
Golf bags
Gym mats
Handlebar grips
Helmets
Hockey pucks
Inner tubes
Knee, shin, elbow and shoulder pads
Life jackets
Skateboards
Skates
Ski jackets
Sleeping bags
Snowboards
Soccer balls
Speed boats
Tennis balls
Tennis racquets
Tents
Water skis
Windsurfers
Okay, obviously this list could go on forever, but I am trying to make a point. Am I condoning evil gas corporations by leasing my land, anymore than you are by using their products everyday? If you're answer is still yes, than let's continue.
Fracking happens. Could I protest it? Sure, but where would that get me? Most of my county is already signing up to lease their land, happy that they will maybe, just maybe get to pay off their mortgage and not have to wait until they are 85 to retire from farming. Another interesting point: Law of capture. Look it up. But basically it is the law that whatever was captured on your land, whether or not is originated from your land, if it is feral in nature, belongs to you. Simplified, this means that if a deer is on your land, even if it came through your neighbors, if you catch it, it is yours. (Providing it's hunting season and you have your permit, of course. Something that is taken quite seriously out here.) What it means for gas is that if they put a well anywhere within 2000 acres of you and drill down, then spread out 5000 feet below the surface and take gas that runs under your land, well, it was captured on your neighbors land and they don't have to pay you a dime.
But still, once you take their money, you're telling them you're fine with the rape of American land!
Well, I could not take their money, and they'll rape it anyway, but better to be a rape victim than a whore, right?
Sorry to be so vulgar, but these were the questions I was asking myself. Does it just boil down to 'Everyone has a price?'
But there is yet more that needed to be considered. If we didn't sign a lease we would have no say in what happened. By working with a lawyer who represents the majority of landowners signing leases, we actually have bargaining leverage. We can insist on certain water conservation procedures and land reparation. We can have a say in which company buys up the leases, one with maybe a more moral operation (I do believe such a thing exists, even among evil corporate empires) and a smaller accident rate. We can ask for better compensation. But only as a large group of landowners. By ourselves we are powerless. And against the human desire for more money, especially amidst poor, rural farmers, we are equally powerless. But when it comes to these mega-corporate giants, if we, the farmers, ask for $3,500 an acre for a signing bonus and %18 royalties (the gas companies have been known to offer $10 an acre and little royalties), the corporations may lose $10,000,000, but stand to gain billions. They can do the math. Again, alone we are powerless. In a group we have choices.
When Hilary Clinton was running against Obama, something Obama supporters liked to bring up was that Ms. Clinton was on the board of Wal-Mart. Yeah, sure that looks bad. But when asked about it, Ms. Clinton explained that the only reason she joined was to help sway the corporation to act in a more moral way. That makes sense. There are two ways to change something: grassroots or within the system. I believe I am doing both.
I am going into the system, in my own small way, to hopefully have some kind of influence on how it runs. At least in my small part of the world. And as a consumer I am working the grassroots end of things. I am very conscience of what I consume. One of the reasons I became a farmer (besides the fact that I love dirt) is because it was the only way I could see to become a true environmentalist. I want to produce and share my food locally. That way I can grow sustainably and actually make the land I own healthier and richer than when I bought it. I can influence others to eat local, organic, non-gmo foods by offering them mine. And educating them. And letting them be a part of the whole experience of what they eat. I can reduce carbon emissions by not having my food shipped to me from halfway across the world. Anything you buy in a store took more fossil fuel than you can imagine to get there. And I don't drive to work! As consumers we have more power than any corporation in the world. Corporations exist because we support them.
So if you still feel I am a hypocrite for leasing my land, then I suggest you go out and build an off the grid, energy independent homestead where you produce %100 of everything you consume, and saddle up to get to work. Or perhaps we can all stop judging each other and do our best to make the best choices we can. Because sometimes, (as my wise father told me) there aren't any right choices. There are just better and worse ones.
Choose wisely.
Today I am grateful for SPRING!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I'm Back!
I am sitting on my porch with bright green grass, heavenly
sunshine and nature’s chatter all around me.
Life is moving, at such a fast
pace I can hardly keep up. And
yet, this moment… This moment is so perfect.
I came home from a week long vacation in Boulder, CO Monday
night. It was a vacation from life as
mama, wife and farmer. It was a week to
remember I am also Tovah. I thought I would
meditate, daven, go shopping, go hiking. And I
did. A bit. But mostly I found myself experiencing really
beautiful heart connections with people I love so much, but rarely see. And it occurs to me that that is a big part
of knowing myself. At my core I am me
and also I am one connection in a vast network of human connection. Sometimes it can feel so isolated out here,
on Farm Shmarm. It was amazing to
experience how connected I really am.
Being away from my children was its own experience. I missed them like crazy. I knew I would, but I couldn't predict exactly how it would feel. I've never been apart from them. The best way I could describe it was that it felt like a piece of me was missing. When I would go inside to check in, my internal compass couldn't find North. I didn't know how to orient myself, because I have spent the last seven years orbiting my children. Without their center of gravity I was in kind of a free fall, and at the same time, I was kind of soaring.
But now I'm back. And things need to be done. And not just dishes and laundry; I need to figure out what direction Matovu Farm is moving in. We're talking poultry, honey, eggs, mushrooms, produce, orchards, goat dairy, lamb, wool and who knows what else! Overwhelmed? Me too. Each endeavor takes labor, startup investment, maintenance, and a lot of research and planning. Not to mention, we have to figure out exactly who and what our market will be. Say it with me now: Oy vey!
To try and get a handle on our finances we are looking at leasing rights to the natural gas under our land. Now, my first instinct is to tell the gas companies to kiss my fat mama fanny! But it turns out that whether or not we give permission, gas can be taken from under our land. The question is, who takes it, and do we get a cut. If we are involved in the process we have a lot more say in terms of picking a responsible company (yes, there actually are decent companies out there, you just have to do your research) and how it all goes down. If we protest, not much will happen except the gas pockets 5000 feet down will be sucked dry and we won't even know. The only other option is to get everyone in the county to protest and then maybe it can be avoided. But it seems it's already too late for that. The good news is that this isn't a Marcellus Shale region. So the drilling is as aggressive, shallow or corrupted as in other parts of the country. No decisions are being made, but we have A LOT of food for thought.
And all that is separate from trying to start the Farm Shmarm community that is so important to the success of this adventure. As much as I am filled with love of farming and all things dirt, for myself and my children, we need community. So I am trying to figure out the best way to advertise what we are doing out here. Aish.com article, Facebook page, website... All these things need to be done. And I am wondering where the heck I am going to find the time to do all this and not go crazy! (Have you noticed my clean language? I am doing a six month cleanse of my mouth. All things going out need to be as kosher and organic as the things going in. I can't say I've held perfectly to this new word diet, but I'm trying.)
And so with that, if any of you want to be a part of building up this beautiful little corner of the world, with time, labor, financing or anything else, let me know! We may not know exactly what to do with help right now, but if we have a list of names, come potato digging day, we'll know who to call!
1. This amazingly beautiful day
2. My children's hearts
3. The fill of love I just received
4. My CO family (blood and heart)
5. The geese fishing in my pond
6. VACATION
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Give Me the Good!
Remember when, all smiles, I told you I was going to move out into the middle of nowhere and start a farm and won't it be awesome? Fresh air, animals all around, green pastures... Aaaahhhhhhhhh! What the hell was I thinking?! This is crazy. I don't know the first thing about starting, running, being a part of or organizing a business. Ooh, they make it sound so simple, just assess your indirect costs, your direct costs, add them, divide by 12 months and that's what you need to make each month, so price your product accordingly. So, ok, I can do that. Until I realize that direct costs include equipment, bags, bag sealers, hoses, hose heaters, little stainless steel clasps, labels, safe handling labels, pluckers, GMO-free feed, tractor coops, brooders, heat sources, these odd little things called chicken nipples and a MILLION other things. All that has to be priced. And it's not just finding a price. No, it's seeing if we want this plucker or that plucker or that fancy European plucker or that illegal immigrant plucker or just put my three kids to work and be done with it plucker. (Just kidding about the immigrant thing.) Do we want bags that vacuum seal? Guess we need a vacuum sealer.
And then, as I'm am gathering rough numbers of interest levels in our community, someone says they are interested as long as the price is comparable to Costco. SERIOUSLY?! Sure, I'll just cram 2000 birds, bred so badly they can't walk, into a closet, soak them in bleach and send them your way.
I guess you could say I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Our house in Pittsburgh finally sold. We have a small profit, and we have to invest it into Matovu Farm very wisely. Especially because there is the added pressure of the fact that every day that goes by, Micah is not working, and we are losing money. "Mama, can I have another bowl of cereal?" "No."
I knew we were taking a risk with this. I knew we had no experience to rely on. I knew it would be work. I just didn't know my brain would hurt so badly at the end of the day. Because now, not only do I have three children vying for my attention and filling my brain with endless facts (Mama, did you know sperm whales make a sound so loud it can blow down a house? Do you think it would blow down our house? What about Nana's? What else blows things down that you know of? Do you think I could blow something down?), but I also have a husband constantly filling my head with even more facts (Tov, did you know we can make several centralized coops and use a petal method of movable run? Or we can have tractor coops that 'park' near the house to plug in during the brooding weeks... Or we can make slim coops that run through the woods; the birds would love to forage in the leaves there). Oy! Everyone just shut up and let my brain be! I need an episode of Glee or something else equally mindless to help erase some of the noise crowding out actual thoughts.
And is this what I put my mind to? Or should I work on developing the Farm Shmarm community so we aren't here all alone? And what is our Farm Shmarm mission statement? Are we an ecovillage? Are we just a rural place where Jews can live? Are we an educational center? Are we a private community whose focus is our children?
Oh and Pesach? Not even a consideration. There's too many other things going on.
That's what's happening here. I guess I need my GoodList now more than ever! Please add your Good to my list in the comments section. I really need to fill head with positivity right now!
1. The sun is out today
2. Had new friends visit today
3. Our cat came back after mysteriously disappearing for 5 days
4. I woke up early and got a shower before the kids woke up
5. My organic whole spelt kale onion garlic pepper anchovy cheese pizza
6. My cuddly feverish baby (I like the extra cuddling, not the fever)
7. My son's joke this morning "What does a panda say to surprise you? 'BamBoo!'"
8. The playroom that was clean for 20 whole minutes
9. Blueberry banana muffins
10. (Saved the best for last) My dear husband who devotes his whole self to our family and this farm
And then, as I'm am gathering rough numbers of interest levels in our community, someone says they are interested as long as the price is comparable to Costco. SERIOUSLY?! Sure, I'll just cram 2000 birds, bred so badly they can't walk, into a closet, soak them in bleach and send them your way.
I guess you could say I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Our house in Pittsburgh finally sold. We have a small profit, and we have to invest it into Matovu Farm very wisely. Especially because there is the added pressure of the fact that every day that goes by, Micah is not working, and we are losing money. "Mama, can I have another bowl of cereal?" "No."
I knew we were taking a risk with this. I knew we had no experience to rely on. I knew it would be work. I just didn't know my brain would hurt so badly at the end of the day. Because now, not only do I have three children vying for my attention and filling my brain with endless facts (Mama, did you know sperm whales make a sound so loud it can blow down a house? Do you think it would blow down our house? What about Nana's? What else blows things down that you know of? Do you think I could blow something down?), but I also have a husband constantly filling my head with even more facts (Tov, did you know we can make several centralized coops and use a petal method of movable run? Or we can have tractor coops that 'park' near the house to plug in during the brooding weeks... Or we can make slim coops that run through the woods; the birds would love to forage in the leaves there). Oy! Everyone just shut up and let my brain be! I need an episode of Glee or something else equally mindless to help erase some of the noise crowding out actual thoughts.
And is this what I put my mind to? Or should I work on developing the Farm Shmarm community so we aren't here all alone? And what is our Farm Shmarm mission statement? Are we an ecovillage? Are we just a rural place where Jews can live? Are we an educational center? Are we a private community whose focus is our children?
Oh and Pesach? Not even a consideration. There's too many other things going on.
That's what's happening here. I guess I need my GoodList now more than ever! Please add your Good to my list in the comments section. I really need to fill head with positivity right now!
1. The sun is out today
2. Had new friends visit today
3. Our cat came back after mysteriously disappearing for 5 days
4. I woke up early and got a shower before the kids woke up
5. My organic whole spelt kale onion garlic pepper anchovy cheese pizza
6. My cuddly feverish baby (I like the extra cuddling, not the fever)
7. My son's joke this morning "What does a panda say to surprise you? 'BamBoo!'"
8. The playroom that was clean for 20 whole minutes
9. Blueberry banana muffins
10. (Saved the best for last) My dear husband who devotes his whole self to our family and this farm
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I Call Me Mrs Hypocrite. Yeah That's My Name.
I hope you sang that title in Otis Redding's voice. That's what I did when I typed it. And then I googled Otis Redding to make sure it was him. Then I double checked to make sure it was Otis and not Odis. And now you know how I write my blogs.
But on a more serious note, I do feel like a hypocrite. I had to google that word to make sure I was spelling it right too. I'm telling you all this so I can help myself feel a little less hypocritical. Maybe if I show everyone how lame I am, then I can stop pretending to be cool. And now I can hear my sisters' voices, "You thought you were cool? Honey, you didn't have anyone fooled." No, they wouldn't sound like that. That's how my imaginary sitcom TV show sister would sound. My sisters would be more like, 'Aww Stinky, we love you even when you pick your nose and hide the booger on the underside of your chair.' Yeah, that sounds about right.
But here's why I'm writing about hypocrisy: I have been having phone conversations with people who are interested in joining our Farm Shmarm Community. (Hi guys, if you're reading this.) And it's so exciting to talk to people who share my vision. It gets my heart racing. And there is SO much to talk about. I mean, if this works, these are the people who will become my extended family. They will be like aunts and uncles to my children. G-d willing, we will build something amazing that will influence the world in the most amazing way and even grow old together. It's almost like picking a husband. But not. And so, I'm on the phone with them, explaining why I am sooo wholesome, sooo organic, sooo into loving each other and creating a better world. And all the while I'm waving my children away. Shushing them. Telling them to stop putting their books on me, I'm not reading to them right now. And after long enough, they turn against each other in frustration. And when I finally get off the phone (extremely reluctantly) they turn against me. So I yell at them. Yup. I just finished making my good impression. Thinking to myself, 'ooh, did she hear how calmly I handled that angry child?' Well, as soon as the phone is in the receiver and there are no witnesses, the yelling starts.
Of course they are acting out. They probably think that if I had to pick a favorite person in the house it would be my phone. To me, it feels like I barely get to talk. To them, it seems that every moment I ignore them, I am choosing the outside world over family. I am choosing friends over children. I am choosing myself over them. It doesn't matter if it's the electric company or my best friend. All they see is me, a receiver and a 'you better not bother me right now I'm doing something' face. What's the best way to get a parents attention? Is it to feed the cats? Read a book quietly? Make yourself a snack? No way! Do something that will get you trouble. Works every time. It brings those magic words, 'I gotta go.'
And so while I am trying to do my best to portray myself as a great person on the phone to people I hardly know, I am failing to act like a good one to my children. I'm not saying I have no right to talk on the phone when I need or want to. But I do not feel ok sweet-talking them while someone's listening and yelling when they are not. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am when no one's looking. So now, while you're all looking, see me. Yes, I try to hide my boogers on the underside of my chair. Yes, I sound patient on the phone when I yell in privacy. Yes, I pretend to go to the bathroom way more than I have to just so I can be alone and think for five minutes. (Or check facebook. Or watch a youtube video. Or pick my nose some more.) Yes, I flush so they don't suspect me. Once in a while I throw away a recyclable because I am plain lazy. (I feel so embarrassed that I try to hide it even in the garbage can. Like I don't want the garbage men to know.)
I'm not trying to win Woman of the Year award. Well, ok, I kind of am, but I don't even think I was nominated. But I am coming to recognize that it's just too much. It's too much to expect that I can live on my own, and somehow do laundry, dishes, butt wiping, cooking, nap time, nursing, baths, hockey practice, abc's, Torah learning, game playing, music making, exercising, food shopping, yada, yada, yada, and meet my own and my children's emotional needs. It's not ideal. But I am working towards an ideal. I am trying to build a life where it is not up to me to be everyone and everything to my family. And that means I need to take myself out of the race for Woman of the Year, and maybe enter myself in the Good Enough to Not Leave Horrific Emotional Scars and Cut Myself a Little Slack and Maybe Even Cut My Kids a Little Slack Too competition. I bet I could get a nomination for that! I'll start working on my acceptance speech. "I'd like to thank Reality for kicking my ass so hard that I finally made it here today. I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you Mirror, for always being honest. And Kids. Thank you. If it weren't for you guys... Well, if it weren't for you guys, I'd probably have slept a whole lot more. And my boobs would be perkier. (Not tznious, I know, but still kind of funny?) And I'd have a few less wrinkles on my face. But some of those are creases next to my eyes from smiling and laughing. And the stretch marks are fine, because they're mostly on my heart. Lord knows, I'd be a selfish, lazy, irresponsible nobody if it weren't for you. Thanks for making me a somebody. Thanks for making me a mom. I love you guys." Cue music. Tall, fancy lady leads me off stage were my picture is taken and I look fabulous. Dim lights. Aaaaannnnnnd CUT!
1. Our house is finally being sold!!!
2. Being in touch with amazing new people
3. Writing this by the warm fireplace. Mmmm I love that smell
4. Spinach, pepper, onion, tomato, anchovy spelt pizza with mozzarella
5. My ladies night in Pittsburgh. Oooh, I love my ladies
6. Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Version. Look it up on youtube.
7. A few dishes and I'm DONE for the night!
But on a more serious note, I do feel like a hypocrite. I had to google that word to make sure I was spelling it right too. I'm telling you all this so I can help myself feel a little less hypocritical. Maybe if I show everyone how lame I am, then I can stop pretending to be cool. And now I can hear my sisters' voices, "You thought you were cool? Honey, you didn't have anyone fooled." No, they wouldn't sound like that. That's how my imaginary sitcom TV show sister would sound. My sisters would be more like, 'Aww Stinky, we love you even when you pick your nose and hide the booger on the underside of your chair.' Yeah, that sounds about right.
But here's why I'm writing about hypocrisy: I have been having phone conversations with people who are interested in joining our Farm Shmarm Community. (Hi guys, if you're reading this.) And it's so exciting to talk to people who share my vision. It gets my heart racing. And there is SO much to talk about. I mean, if this works, these are the people who will become my extended family. They will be like aunts and uncles to my children. G-d willing, we will build something amazing that will influence the world in the most amazing way and even grow old together. It's almost like picking a husband. But not. And so, I'm on the phone with them, explaining why I am sooo wholesome, sooo organic, sooo into loving each other and creating a better world. And all the while I'm waving my children away. Shushing them. Telling them to stop putting their books on me, I'm not reading to them right now. And after long enough, they turn against each other in frustration. And when I finally get off the phone (extremely reluctantly) they turn against me. So I yell at them. Yup. I just finished making my good impression. Thinking to myself, 'ooh, did she hear how calmly I handled that angry child?' Well, as soon as the phone is in the receiver and there are no witnesses, the yelling starts.
Of course they are acting out. They probably think that if I had to pick a favorite person in the house it would be my phone. To me, it feels like I barely get to talk. To them, it seems that every moment I ignore them, I am choosing the outside world over family. I am choosing friends over children. I am choosing myself over them. It doesn't matter if it's the electric company or my best friend. All they see is me, a receiver and a 'you better not bother me right now I'm doing something' face. What's the best way to get a parents attention? Is it to feed the cats? Read a book quietly? Make yourself a snack? No way! Do something that will get you trouble. Works every time. It brings those magic words, 'I gotta go.'
And so while I am trying to do my best to portray myself as a great person on the phone to people I hardly know, I am failing to act like a good one to my children. I'm not saying I have no right to talk on the phone when I need or want to. But I do not feel ok sweet-talking them while someone's listening and yelling when they are not. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am when no one's looking. So now, while you're all looking, see me. Yes, I try to hide my boogers on the underside of my chair. Yes, I sound patient on the phone when I yell in privacy. Yes, I pretend to go to the bathroom way more than I have to just so I can be alone and think for five minutes. (Or check facebook. Or watch a youtube video. Or pick my nose some more.) Yes, I flush so they don't suspect me. Once in a while I throw away a recyclable because I am plain lazy. (I feel so embarrassed that I try to hide it even in the garbage can. Like I don't want the garbage men to know.)
I'm not trying to win Woman of the Year award. Well, ok, I kind of am, but I don't even think I was nominated. But I am coming to recognize that it's just too much. It's too much to expect that I can live on my own, and somehow do laundry, dishes, butt wiping, cooking, nap time, nursing, baths, hockey practice, abc's, Torah learning, game playing, music making, exercising, food shopping, yada, yada, yada, and meet my own and my children's emotional needs. It's not ideal. But I am working towards an ideal. I am trying to build a life where it is not up to me to be everyone and everything to my family. And that means I need to take myself out of the race for Woman of the Year, and maybe enter myself in the Good Enough to Not Leave Horrific Emotional Scars and Cut Myself a Little Slack and Maybe Even Cut My Kids a Little Slack Too competition. I bet I could get a nomination for that! I'll start working on my acceptance speech. "I'd like to thank Reality for kicking my ass so hard that I finally made it here today. I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you Mirror, for always being honest. And Kids. Thank you. If it weren't for you guys... Well, if it weren't for you guys, I'd probably have slept a whole lot more. And my boobs would be perkier. (Not tznious, I know, but still kind of funny?) And I'd have a few less wrinkles on my face. But some of those are creases next to my eyes from smiling and laughing. And the stretch marks are fine, because they're mostly on my heart. Lord knows, I'd be a selfish, lazy, irresponsible nobody if it weren't for you. Thanks for making me a somebody. Thanks for making me a mom. I love you guys." Cue music. Tall, fancy lady leads me off stage were my picture is taken and I look fabulous. Dim lights. Aaaaannnnnnd CUT!
1. Our house is finally being sold!!!
2. Being in touch with amazing new people
3. Writing this by the warm fireplace. Mmmm I love that smell
4. Spinach, pepper, onion, tomato, anchovy spelt pizza with mozzarella
5. My ladies night in Pittsburgh. Oooh, I love my ladies
6. Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Version. Look it up on youtube.
7. A few dishes and I'm DONE for the night!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Hello, Goodbye and Peace
Shalom. In English, that word just looks cheesy to me. As though it is more of an American Jewish Renewal word than a Hebrew one. And yet, I have found it increasingly useful in my day to day life. One Shabbos night, as I was trying to fall asleep, and failing (my increasing insomnia is perhaps another blog for another time), I started repeating the word Shalom over and over with every out breath. A type of meditation to calm my mind. But instead of letting my thoughts flow out with each breath, I was actually focusing more on more on what the heck it means. Why does Shalom mean hello, goodbye and peace. How can it mean all of those things? I'm sure greater minds than mine have pondered the question, but here's what came to me that night:
If in this moment I can embrace, accept, greet whatever is here, and at the same time, release, let go of, say goodbye, to whatever isn't necessary right now, then I have peace. For instance, right now I have exhaustion, cranky kids, and a small headache. I am accepting all that as what is here and not mine to control. I also have anxiety about taking out the kids tonight for hockey practice, guilt over putting the kids in front of the computer so I can take this moment to rest, and a house that could really use a good cleaning. I am letting all that go right now. That is not necessary in this moment. And so, I have Shalom. Peace. In this moment. But of course, in the next moment I will worry about dinner and so on. But Shalom is about this moment. And when the next moment comes, it will be that moment's turn for hellos, goodbyes and G-d willing, more peace.
It's constant. And exhausting in it's own way. But I know that if I somehow can keep it as a mindful practice, than it will be less effort and more natural.
My life in the last 24 hours has felt like a roller coaster. There was trying to pack and leave my house with three kids. Getting to Pittsburgh. The joy, and pain, of seeing friends that I love and miss terribly. Leaving my kids with my incredibly supportive in-laws so that I could finally have a night out. It has been a VERY long time. A few of my girlfriends got together (I had sent them one of my sos's saying I was in dire need of some good ole fashioned girl love) and boy did they spoil me! I felt so loved. So cared for. I reached out, they reached back, and that felt soooo good. Then I saw my husband and, through a miscommunication turned argument, all that flying high, crash landed me into the dirt. It's amazing how a full night of love and friendship can instantly evaporate through one bad argument.
When I got back to my in-laws I crawled in bed with my son and tried to pass out. Listening to his little murmurs (even at age seven the sounds of sleep are so beautiful) and feeling him stir, I put my arms around my child and felt peaceful again. I felt the love of my friends surround me again. In being able to love my child I was able to open up to the love going in and out of my heart. So in that moment I said hello to my heart full of love and let go of the pain of a few moments anger.
But the rollercoaster went around another bend and I didn't sleep at all. Those sweet sounds and twitches became a knife's edge bursting my dream bubbles. No sleep.
Morning came way to soon and somehow I managed to get all kids into the car by 9:30 without too much hassle. We all went potty, had our snacks and were on the road.
Fifteen minutes in, I'm chatting on the phone with my dad when I hear the dreaded words, "Mama, I have to poop." Everything crashed again. Ready to explode with unnecessary words like, "But I sat you on the potty fifteen minutes ago! Why didn't you go then?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you have any idea what it means for me to go into a gas station with three sleepy, pajama'ed kids and then get you all back into the car?!!!" No, she doesn't. She is three years old.
Lucky for me, before I could say any of those things, my father, still on the phone, said, "Tovah, surrender. There's nothing you can do." Shalom. There it was. Her needing to use the bathroom was out of my control. Hello three kids in the bathroom. Goodbye anger, annoyance, frustration. Hello standing in the freezing parking lot waiting for seven year old to change into pants to avoid embarrassment. Goodbye personal embarrassment at standing in the parking lot with two messy kids in not warm enough pajamas, waiting for their brother. Hello funny looks from all who watched my gleeful daughter run through the gas station store in feeties and boots. Goodbye apologetic look on my face to the spectacle that my family was in that moment. Hello taking turns holding the baby so we could all go just one more time. Goodbye to the anger at how long it took my daughter to actually poop. Shalom.
I was even able to fill up my tank, wash my windows, check my oil, and add a quart of it without a funnel. I was beginning to feel like a superstar. Driving down the highway, my husband even calls and we make amends. The youngest two are asleep almost the whole ride. The big boy reads himself chapter books in the back seat. I am Shalom Mama Rockstar!
And then we get home. My son instantly throws a full blown fit at having to clean his mess in the backseat. My baby wants chips so that he can throw them on the floor. My daughter wants all the toys in purses and hoarded away. The laundry is waiting. There's no dinner. Hockey practice is in a few hours. All the coffee in the world couldn't take away the fog in my brain.
I want to cry! They already got screen time this morning when they woke up at my in-laws. They even got to watch a movie last night. A good mom should tell them to go play while she rests. But the only way I know to get my kids off my back is to bribe them with more screen time. But only a bad mom would reward her son's tantrums with a movie. Only a bad mom would put her own rest above teaching her children proper lessons.
But in this moment, Hello to a hard life. Hello to being out here where I can't call my friends to take my kids for a few hours. Hello to the choice of losing it and showing my children impatience, anger, and meanness if even lightly triggered versus putting them in front of the computer and taking this time to take care of me, and showing them self-compassion. Hello to taking this good advice from my wise sister. Goodbye to self judgement. Goodbye to good mom versus bad mom. (Hello real life mom.) Goodbye to afternoon of fighting and yelling and pleading and crying and punishing. Hello to happy-ish kids and a more rested mama. Shalom.
And now we're back here in this moment. And it's a good moment. A peaceful moment. Shalom.
1. Aunt Faith and Uncle Chainsaw for being most kickass siblings in-law last night
2. Savta and Daddy Mike too
3. A night of love with my girls
4. Shalom moments
If in this moment I can embrace, accept, greet whatever is here, and at the same time, release, let go of, say goodbye, to whatever isn't necessary right now, then I have peace. For instance, right now I have exhaustion, cranky kids, and a small headache. I am accepting all that as what is here and not mine to control. I also have anxiety about taking out the kids tonight for hockey practice, guilt over putting the kids in front of the computer so I can take this moment to rest, and a house that could really use a good cleaning. I am letting all that go right now. That is not necessary in this moment. And so, I have Shalom. Peace. In this moment. But of course, in the next moment I will worry about dinner and so on. But Shalom is about this moment. And when the next moment comes, it will be that moment's turn for hellos, goodbyes and G-d willing, more peace.
It's constant. And exhausting in it's own way. But I know that if I somehow can keep it as a mindful practice, than it will be less effort and more natural.
My life in the last 24 hours has felt like a roller coaster. There was trying to pack and leave my house with three kids. Getting to Pittsburgh. The joy, and pain, of seeing friends that I love and miss terribly. Leaving my kids with my incredibly supportive in-laws so that I could finally have a night out. It has been a VERY long time. A few of my girlfriends got together (I had sent them one of my sos's saying I was in dire need of some good ole fashioned girl love) and boy did they spoil me! I felt so loved. So cared for. I reached out, they reached back, and that felt soooo good. Then I saw my husband and, through a miscommunication turned argument, all that flying high, crash landed me into the dirt. It's amazing how a full night of love and friendship can instantly evaporate through one bad argument.
When I got back to my in-laws I crawled in bed with my son and tried to pass out. Listening to his little murmurs (even at age seven the sounds of sleep are so beautiful) and feeling him stir, I put my arms around my child and felt peaceful again. I felt the love of my friends surround me again. In being able to love my child I was able to open up to the love going in and out of my heart. So in that moment I said hello to my heart full of love and let go of the pain of a few moments anger.
But the rollercoaster went around another bend and I didn't sleep at all. Those sweet sounds and twitches became a knife's edge bursting my dream bubbles. No sleep.
Morning came way to soon and somehow I managed to get all kids into the car by 9:30 without too much hassle. We all went potty, had our snacks and were on the road.
Fifteen minutes in, I'm chatting on the phone with my dad when I hear the dreaded words, "Mama, I have to poop." Everything crashed again. Ready to explode with unnecessary words like, "But I sat you on the potty fifteen minutes ago! Why didn't you go then?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you have any idea what it means for me to go into a gas station with three sleepy, pajama'ed kids and then get you all back into the car?!!!" No, she doesn't. She is three years old.
Lucky for me, before I could say any of those things, my father, still on the phone, said, "Tovah, surrender. There's nothing you can do." Shalom. There it was. Her needing to use the bathroom was out of my control. Hello three kids in the bathroom. Goodbye anger, annoyance, frustration. Hello standing in the freezing parking lot waiting for seven year old to change into pants to avoid embarrassment. Goodbye personal embarrassment at standing in the parking lot with two messy kids in not warm enough pajamas, waiting for their brother. Hello funny looks from all who watched my gleeful daughter run through the gas station store in feeties and boots. Goodbye apologetic look on my face to the spectacle that my family was in that moment. Hello taking turns holding the baby so we could all go just one more time. Goodbye to the anger at how long it took my daughter to actually poop. Shalom.
I was even able to fill up my tank, wash my windows, check my oil, and add a quart of it without a funnel. I was beginning to feel like a superstar. Driving down the highway, my husband even calls and we make amends. The youngest two are asleep almost the whole ride. The big boy reads himself chapter books in the back seat. I am Shalom Mama Rockstar!
And then we get home. My son instantly throws a full blown fit at having to clean his mess in the backseat. My baby wants chips so that he can throw them on the floor. My daughter wants all the toys in purses and hoarded away. The laundry is waiting. There's no dinner. Hockey practice is in a few hours. All the coffee in the world couldn't take away the fog in my brain.
I want to cry! They already got screen time this morning when they woke up at my in-laws. They even got to watch a movie last night. A good mom should tell them to go play while she rests. But the only way I know to get my kids off my back is to bribe them with more screen time. But only a bad mom would reward her son's tantrums with a movie. Only a bad mom would put her own rest above teaching her children proper lessons.
But in this moment, Hello to a hard life. Hello to being out here where I can't call my friends to take my kids for a few hours. Hello to the choice of losing it and showing my children impatience, anger, and meanness if even lightly triggered versus putting them in front of the computer and taking this time to take care of me, and showing them self-compassion. Hello to taking this good advice from my wise sister. Goodbye to self judgement. Goodbye to good mom versus bad mom. (Hello real life mom.) Goodbye to afternoon of fighting and yelling and pleading and crying and punishing. Hello to happy-ish kids and a more rested mama. Shalom.
And now we're back here in this moment. And it's a good moment. A peaceful moment. Shalom.
1. Aunt Faith and Uncle Chainsaw for being most kickass siblings in-law last night
2. Savta and Daddy Mike too
3. A night of love with my girls
4. Shalom moments
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