Thursday, December 20, 2012

Texting With G-d Just Got Real

Me: In this moment I don't know who I hate more: You or me.
G-d: Bad day?
M: Aren't I committing some terrible sin by saying that I hate You?  Aren't I going to be punished?
G: Who said hating Me is wrong? I am more concerned that you hate yourself right now.
M: Well You should hate me too after seeing how awful I handled bedtime tonight.
G: I saw.  It wasn't one of your finest moments.
M: G-d, my throat hurts from yelling at my children.  That is wrong.  That is bad.  I am bad.
G: That's a lot of judgement I just heard.
M: Well aren't You judging me?  Aren't You always judging us all?  Weighing the scales of our deeds and all that?
G: It's true that I see everything.  But that means that I see EVERYTHING.  I saw you get up over and over to take of your baby, night after night.  I saw your adrenaline glands almost empty and your oxytocin levels drop.  I saw that despite all that you took your kids to the library so they could see the puppet show.  I saw how badly you just wanted to stay in bed.  But you didn't.  You took them.  And then when your friend showed up and you wanted to stay and talk, I saw you load your children in the car because they said they were hungry and you knew they needed their naps.  I saw you feed them lunch and give them seconds before you could have firsts, simply because they asked for more.  And then, when lunch was all gone, I saw you eat pb&j on a rice cake, because they finished everything else.  I saw you help your son with his homework when all you wanted to do was collapse in bed for a nap.  I saw you make a healthy, nutritious and delicious dinner, when you could have warmed up some pasta.  I saw you put on a rated G movie for your kids when there are 10 movies that you have been waiting months to see, but aren't as appropriate.  I saw you tuck them all in bed and sing with them.  And then I watched as they got out of bed over and over, when you were just trying to clean up the kitchen so you could get started on making Shabbos.  I saw them resist sleep for three hours, while you tried everything from pleading, to bribing to threatening, and only then to yelling.  I saw you watch your entire evening's productivity go down the the drain, and your work load for tomorrow grow.  I watched as, when it was all over, and you were so distraught, and yet still angry, you sat down and held your son's head as he fell asleep because you knew he needed your touch.  You knew there was a hole in him that would've stayed a wound if he couldn't have that touch.  And through all you anger, exhaustion and resentment, you reached out and held him.  I saw everything.
M: I'm sorry.  I don't know what to say.  I'm scared of forgiving myself and loving myself the way You love me.
G: Why is that?
M: I don't know.  Maybe if I'm worthy of all that love, maybe I'll need to live my life differently.
G: How so?
M: I don't know.  It seems such a high place to fall from.
G: But how soft is the catch when you fall into loving arms...
M: But what happens when I forgive me, but others don't?
G: Yes, what does happen then?
M: I don't know.  I'll be self righteous... Or alienated.  Or wrong.
G: Being wrong is scary for you, isn't it?
M: Being wrong is like falling off a cliff.
G: But when forgiveness is what you fall into...
M: Not everyone will forgive me for being wrong.
G: No, but I will.  And you can forgive yourself.
M: And then I'm on that high horse again.
G: Do you really think that loving yourself and forgiving yourself puts you above everyone?  I imagine that you might start to forgive others their faults and perhaps love them in their entirety.  That's not very snobbish.  Or very flaky.  It's grounded and real.
M: So, if I love myself after being crazy bitch mom from hell, then maybe I will love my kids even when they are annoying little brats?  And if they know they are loved even though they are acting out, then maybe they will love and accept others who aren't perfect?  And then imperfection will be accepted and perhaps even made into unique strengths and no longer will we all act like sheep and do as society tells us but we will love each other and ourselves and make this world a better place?
G: Um, yeah.  Only with a few more steps between A and Z.  But We'll get there.  Now how about doing a few of those dishes so that tomorrow you don't act like that, how did you put it so eloquently? Oh yeah, that crazy bitch mom from hell, when you're rushing to get ready for Shabbos.
M: Okay.  Good plan.  Um, G-d?
G: Yes Tovah?
M: Thanks.
G: You're welcome.


  1. Dear Favorite Daughter (#3)--you know you are all my favorites, right?

    Let go of trying to love yourself, and allow room for self-acceptance. You are doing your best, and that is more than good enough. We all have mishigas, and the path to Hashem is not to make ourselves perfect, but to accept ourselves with our inevitable imperfections-which paradoxically leads not only to our personal growth and evolution, but also to love and accept others with their mishagas as well. Sounds like we're tapping into Hashem's compassion and unconditionality, yeh? It really does start at home.

    And while I can personally testify that you are a wonderful daughter, of whom I am incredibly proud, I know you are a wonderful mother, sister, friend and person as well.

    And remember the big picture--you are also an eternal soul held in unconditional love...

    Yo Papa--happily living with all his mishigas

  2. Oy, Tovah, I love you so much. You are an inspiration. The world needs to hear what you've got to say, so don't be afraid. You are the bomb-diggity or at least something like that. ~e