Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Does G-d Have an English Accent?

Me: Argh!
G-d: Yes dear?
M: Well, I thought that writing this blog, writing these conversations with You is the right thing to do.
G: And now you doubt that because...
M: Because my crappy old laptop, which has so generously been fixed, twice, won't hold a damn charge and keeps turning off.  The charging cord is broken.
G: I see.  So if something is difficult or frustrating, then it is no longer My will.  Is that correct?
M: Well, yeah.  If You wanted me to write this, wouldn't You give me a leg up or something?
G: If you want your children to eat, do you spoon feed them, no matter their age?
M: Are you saying that You're challenging me on purpose?
G: I don't think you heard me right.  I simply let life progress naturally.
M: Right.  And when You flooded the earth, that was natural.  And when You spoke to Abraham, Isaak, Jacob, that was natural.  When You carved out the ten commandments and handed them to Moshe, that was natural.  When You-
G: A different time.  A different way.  You cannot keep comparing me to the way others knew me.  You must know Me as I am today.
M: But I thought You were an Eternal G-d.
G: Yes.
M: And yet You change.  Like in a thousand years.
G: No.  But you do.
M: Me?
G: No.  Humanity.
M: Oh. You know, this isn't really the conversation I had planned on us having.
G: Do you do that often? Plan conversations?
M: All the time.  Most phone calls.  Discussions with my husband.  Visits with friends...
G: And how does that work out for you?  Do they follow your script?
M: No.  And it's frustrating as hell when they don't.  Which is a good reason to have my own blog.  I get to write the conversation.  And yet, this isn't the one I was hoping to have.
G: And what conversation were you hoping to have?
M: The one where I talk about the difference in belief in You as a social religion that benefits (or harms) humanity vs. You actually existing and manifesting Your will.
G: And what were My lines?
M: Well, that's the problem.  I was kind of hoping they would get written as I wrote them, You know?
G: No, tell me.
M: Well, I kind of plan what I want to blog about.  But then other stuff starts coming out and I get to learn about myself and the way my mind works, and the way my heart works and I feel good when it's finished.  Surprised usually.  So, I was going to start that conversation and then let the rest get written as I wrote it.  Does that make sense?
G: Well let's just write it out then, shall we?
M: I can't.  I'm not in that zone anymore.
G: Well, then, what should we write about?
M: Well for starters, we could talk about why Your voice is coming out with an English accent.
G: Is it? Perhaps listening to Peter Rabbit read by Emma Thompson over and over in the car has something to do with that.
M: Yeah.  Or that episode of Downton Abbey I watched last night.
G: Is it good? I hear it's quite addictive.
M: See?  There it is.  Quite.  That sentence only makes sense when You have an English accent.
G: Well, perhaps it's like a font you can change.  Why not change it?
M: To what?
G: What would you like G-d to sound like?
M: That's not a question I've ever thought of.  And I'm kind of stumped.  I'm definitely not going the Alanis Morissette route.  And the whole Morgan Freeman thing is way over done.  In fact, I don't think I want You to sound like anyone famous.
G: So, what would you like me to sound like?
M: ...
G: This is hard for you.
M: Yeah.  It is.  Why?
G: Because you want me to be more concrete.  You want me to be an absolute.  Not something that changes according to your will.
M: Because if I have that much control over how I imagine G-d, doesn't that undermine His Absoluteness?  Because doesn't that just prove that I'm alone and everything that happens to me is simply a natural consequence of my choices, small and large? That there is no Divine Will guiding my life, leading me?  Because I could truly be in control of my life and make all the wrong decisions?
G: So for you it's either/or.  Either you are in charge of your life, or I am.  Either you are making choices that ultimately decide your fate, or I am guiding you where you need to be.  Is that right?
M: Isn't it?
G: Well, what if they're both true.  How good are you at holding paradoxes?
M: I used to think I was good, but I'm not sure I'm going to like this one.  But try me.
G: Well, what if everything you did had a natural outcome.  Or consequence, as you put it.  Which to Me implies that you hold many doubts about your own wisdom.  But I digress.  What if I let the world follow it's natural progression and it still followed a design.  What if My will is inherently designed in the fabric of this world and no outcome, though the outcomes are varied, can digress from the overall design?  Imagine you are playing music and your child comes in and starts banging away at the keys with you.  What if all the keys were tuned so that no matter what note they hit, or even if they hit them all at once, it still harmonized with your original tune?  Can you imagine that?
M: Then I would have to say that You are the worst song writer ever.  How could You write the holocaust, the crusades, the inquisition, Justin Beiber, CAFOs, GMO's, and cancer, among many other things, into Your song?
G: But you misunderstand me.  That is the child who hits all the notes.  And yes, they all harmonize and play together, but that does not mean that it sounds pleasant to hear them played that way.
M: So, You make the instrument, which only contains certain sounds, but we write the songs with our choices, and that's our soundtrack?  Your instrument, our song?
G: Simplified.  But yes.
M: I still don't understand how it can be our choices and Your will.
G: Then you can join the rest of the human race.  Why do you think I created Faith?
M: My sister-in-law?
G: No.  Belief in Me and My ways.  Without understanding or proof.
M: Well then I'm back to the question, what's more important, that You exist, or that I believe that You exist?
G: Isn't it getting a bit late?
M: Aren't You getting a bit of an English accent again?
G: Goodnight Tovah.
M: And a goodnight to Thee.

1. My kids are asleep
2. Fire in the fireplace
3. My awesome in-laws
4. Discovering Alec Baldwin's NPR show
5. Early enough to still get a shower without going to bed at midnight
6. Got to see some Pitt friends today and it was so nice!


  1. Ditto- love it too. Tovah, it just flows with your usual light touch, and deep wisdom. I would like to hear G-d's voice as Billy Crystal portraying an old yiddish guy, or as a mother's soft, gentle cooing voice as she puts her baby to sleep. paradoxes abound.