I hope you sang that title in Otis Redding's voice. That's what I did when I typed it. And then I googled Otis Redding to make sure it was him. Then I double checked to make sure it was Otis and not Odis. And now you know how I write my blogs.
But on a more serious note, I do feel like a hypocrite. I had to google that word to make sure I was spelling it right too. I'm telling you all this so I can help myself feel a little less hypocritical. Maybe if I show everyone how lame I am, then I can stop pretending to be cool. And now I can hear my sisters' voices, "You thought you were cool? Honey, you didn't have anyone fooled." No, they wouldn't sound like that. That's how my imaginary sitcom TV show sister would sound. My sisters would be more like, 'Aww Stinky, we love you even when you pick your nose and hide the booger on the underside of your chair.' Yeah, that sounds about right.
But here's why I'm writing about hypocrisy: I have been having phone conversations with people who are interested in joining our Farm Shmarm Community. (Hi guys, if you're reading this.) And it's so exciting to talk to people who share my vision. It gets my heart racing. And there is SO much to talk about. I mean, if this works, these are the people who will become my extended family. They will be like aunts and uncles to my children. G-d willing, we will build something amazing that will influence the world in the most amazing way and even grow old together. It's almost like picking a husband. But not. And so, I'm on the phone with them, explaining why I am sooo wholesome, sooo organic, sooo into loving each other and creating a better world. And all the while I'm waving my children away. Shushing them. Telling them to stop putting their books on me, I'm not reading to them right now. And after long enough, they turn against each other in frustration. And when I finally get off the phone (extremely reluctantly) they turn against me. So I yell at them. Yup. I just finished making my good impression. Thinking to myself, 'ooh, did she hear how calmly I handled that angry child?' Well, as soon as the phone is in the receiver and there are no witnesses, the yelling starts.
Of course they are acting out. They probably think that if I had to pick a favorite person in the house it would be my phone. To me, it feels like I barely get to talk. To them, it seems that every moment I ignore them, I am choosing the outside world over family. I am choosing friends over children. I am choosing myself over them. It doesn't matter if it's the electric company or my best friend. All they see is me, a receiver and a 'you better not bother me right now I'm doing something' face. What's the best way to get a parents attention? Is it to feed the cats? Read a book quietly? Make yourself a snack? No way! Do something that will get you trouble. Works every time. It brings those magic words, 'I gotta go.'
And so while I am trying to do my best to portray myself as a great person on the phone to people I hardly know, I am failing to act like a good one to my children. I'm not saying I have no right to talk on the phone when I need or want to. But I do not feel ok sweet-talking them while someone's listening and yelling when they are not. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am when no one's looking. So now, while you're all looking, see me. Yes, I try to hide my boogers on the underside of my chair. Yes, I sound patient on the phone when I yell in privacy. Yes, I pretend to go to the bathroom way more than I have to just so I can be alone and think for five minutes. (Or check facebook. Or watch a youtube video. Or pick my nose some more.) Yes, I flush so they don't suspect me. Once in a while I throw away a recyclable because I am plain lazy. (I feel so embarrassed that I try to hide it even in the garbage can. Like I don't want the garbage men to know.)
I'm not trying to win Woman of the Year award. Well, ok, I kind of am, but I don't even think I was nominated. But I am coming to recognize that it's just too much. It's too much to expect that I can live on my own, and somehow do laundry, dishes, butt wiping, cooking, nap time, nursing, baths, hockey practice, abc's, Torah learning, game playing, music making, exercising, food shopping, yada, yada, yada, and meet my own and my children's emotional needs. It's not ideal. But I am working towards an ideal. I am trying to build a life where it is not up to me to be everyone and everything to my family. And that means I need to take myself out of the race for Woman of the Year, and maybe enter myself in the Good Enough to Not Leave Horrific Emotional Scars and Cut Myself a Little Slack and Maybe Even Cut My Kids a Little Slack Too competition. I bet I could get a nomination for that! I'll start working on my acceptance speech. "I'd like to thank Reality for kicking my ass so hard that I finally made it here today. I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you Mirror, for always being honest. And Kids. Thank you. If it weren't for you guys... Well, if it weren't for you guys, I'd probably have slept a whole lot more. And my boobs would be perkier. (Not tznious, I know, but still kind of funny?) And I'd have a few less wrinkles on my face. But some of those are creases next to my eyes from smiling and laughing. And the stretch marks are fine, because they're mostly on my heart. Lord knows, I'd be a selfish, lazy, irresponsible nobody if it weren't for you. Thanks for making me a somebody. Thanks for making me a mom. I love you guys." Cue music. Tall, fancy lady leads me off stage were my picture is taken and I look fabulous. Dim lights. Aaaaannnnnnd CUT!
1. Our house is finally being sold!!!
2. Being in touch with amazing new people
3. Writing this by the warm fireplace. Mmmm I love that smell
4. Spinach, pepper, onion, tomato, anchovy spelt pizza with mozzarella
5. My ladies night in Pittsburgh. Oooh, I love my ladies
6. Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Version. Look it up on youtube.
7. A few dishes and I'm DONE for the night!