Lately it seems that most of what I say to my son is criticism. I tell him to stop doing this, chill out, think about what you're doing, what are you thinking! I hate the sound of it as it comes out of my mouth. Yet I can't help myself. He pushes and pushes. He finds my triggers and drills in. So I decided to find my triggers too. Hey, knowing is half the battle, right?
Agendas. When I have an agenda I get triggered when things don't stay on course. Now that my life is crazy, unscripted and unpredictable I decided to take on a new mantra, Go with the Flow. Yep, stop trying to plan everything, and feel out the moment. Be flexible.
So the pencil-written plan was to spend the night at the farm with kiddos and then drive onto sister's. But Hashem had other plans. 6-8 inches of snow. We don't have a working furnace, so I thought freezing my children's tushies isn't a good start to the trip. Okay, going with the flow. I am staying at my mother-in-law's. Just for the night.
So how did it go? Bedtime became a battle. My boy had an emotional fit and I tried to be rational. When I'm tired (which is pretty much always) I go into super rational, you can't argue with me I've got logic on my side, mode. Well let me tell you how well that works with an emotional child. Epic fail.
We end up with a ridiculous sleeping arrangement of me in a room with the two little, light sleepers. And needy older child alone. So what happens? After much struggle, get them all to bed. 9:30, middle girl gets out of bed and joins us downstairs. Still going with the flow. Only, on the TV is a show called Game of Thrones. I wasn't really watching, I was trying to list our house on the Internet, and then I realize she's about to see a near rape scene. "Cover her eyes!"
Not going well. Okay, get her to bed. With me. Ugh. I am NOT a co-sleeper. I can barely share my bed with my husband, let alone my twisting turning daughter.
Midnight, big boy is in my room, saying he's ready to wake up, ready to eat something. No freaking way. I whisper yell at him to GET OUT! before he wakes the little ones. I'm sure that feels good to hear.
He's back in at 3am with more complaints. "I should've slept in this room with you, mama." No Shit! I tried like he'll to get him to sleep in my room but he fought back like a demon.
5am. Baby wakes to nurse. This wakes sleeping two year-old. Ever tried to get one of those back to sleep? Ha!
The flow sucks. So now, Lion King on the TV. I think The Flow always heads downstream to the TV, no?
And I'm dreading the rest of my day, week, but trying not to anticipate. That just creates anxiety. But here's what I think about the flow:
If you just go with the flow, you are pushed wherever the current takes you. That can be under water. And while some are good at holding their breath, I am not. So what I need is a boat. I can still flow with the current, but I won't go under. Perhaps I could even get an oar and steer around the rocks.
One question: how do you build a boat when you're already floating in a river? Every child, every dinner, every mortgage payment make the waters run faster, add more rapids. And I'm supposes to build a boat?!
To get beyond ridiculous building this metaphor, I think I have to grab whatever driftwood I find and start tying them together. Experience, friends, family, nuggets of wisdom, faith in G-d, these will be my building materials. But it ain't gonna be easy.
I'm so tired right now that the keys are blurring, so this is me signing off.
One announcement before I go. Yehudis has provided us with a kickass name for the farm... Matovu Farms.
And we'll be the Farm Shmarm Community.
1. The Lion King
2. Socks (My feet get really cold)
3. The Lion King (sorry I'm really tired)