Well, I survived Pesach prep and the seders. Whew! I’m not sure my husband made it through my stress, freak-outs and bad moods without a little scarring. But we’re still here. And closer than ever to making our dreams reality!
All of our stuff is currently on our farm. That’s right people. We’re really doing it. We’re building a Torah centered, eco-friendly, holistic, sustainable, organic farming community. Did I miss any adjectives? Am I frightened? Hell yes. Of failure? Hell no. I will never look back on my life and regret trying and failing. I’m worried of quitting when it gets hard. I’m afraid of isolation. I’m afraid of losing my connection with Torah. I’m afraid I’ll kill my kids. (Social workers, that last bit was meant metaphorically. I’m very poetic, you know.)
But, life was not created fear free. I recognize my fear. And I move forward. And if you see me freak out, it’s because I’m freaking out with excitement and enthusiasm for my new life. Really. I mean it. Seriously.
I’ve been noticing how much other people’s reactions have influenced my feelings of being on the farm. A friend came up to visit and immediately told me she loved all the open space. And suddenly I do too. Suddenly I am so excited to be living somewhere with so much open space. Another said that he imagines that at night it must be so amazing to see the stars. And now I am imagining all my nights of laying on the grass, kids in bed, hubby beside me, gazing at the millions of stars twinkling above us.
Then someone mentions that since there are no trees around, it will get very hot in our new house. Someone else mentions how hard it will be to heat in the winter with all the big windows that I was loving until then. None of these are criticisms. But now I am hesitant, nervous. Worse, I am doubtful. “People aren’t going to want to visit if you only have composting toilets.” “Your kids will miss out on important socialization skills.” “People aren’t going to join your community if you hold so strongly to your ideals. You need to relax your guidelines and be more open. You can’t expect people to want what you want.” “I hope it works out and you don’t starve.”
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I want to tell all these people to SHUT UP! But really, they’re not saying anything wrong. It’s just that I have so much doubt that I keep locked inside. When I hear these things, the doubt starts to seep out, and get everything soggy. My starry nights are now rainy. My sheep are sick. My kids are cold and social nightmares. We are alone. Totally alone. My walls of optimism are as thin as the crappy fake drywall in our new house and doubt is leaking out of every pipe. Really. My husband spent all day there today, trying to fix the leaky plumbing.
I feel so fragile.
On I go.
I guess if I could ask people one thing, it would be to support me. Emotionally hold me. Trust me when I say that I am not naïve to any of the concerns or criticisms brought up. I am not putting my fingers in my ears and humming when people are expressing their doubt. I have that doubt too. I am seeped, leaking all over with doubt. So right now I just want to be encouraged. Because it is okay to fail. But it’s not okay to give up before I try.
All that said, you are all invited to my farm! (I know that there are only 13 followers of this blog, so that’s not such a huge statement. But someday, when our farm is awesome and famous and the coolest thing around, people will google me and find my blog, read this one, and know that they are invited.)
But what I need from you all is suggestions. What do we name the place? So far we call it The Farm. But I think we’ll need something better than that. I want to call it Farm Shmarm. Yep, you heard me. Farm Shmarm. We’re Jewish, we have a sense of humor and we don’t take ourselves too seriously. Farm Shmarm. Most people I tell that to thinks it’s a horrible idea to name the farm that. Whatever. They obviously take themselves too seriously.
So I’m opening it up. What do you think we should call it?
The much needed GoodList is back!
1. I made it through Pesach cleaning!!!
2. I’m going to visit my sis soon
3. I got all three kiddos to bed
4. Farm Shmarm
5. My daughter’s spiky hair in the bath
6. Eating at my aunt’s when I just can’t fathom making dinner
7. My hard working hubby