Friends, Shame, and Bon Jovi

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Give these loving arms a try baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me  

 When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch your fall
Have a little faith in me
 

Have a little faith in me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me

I've been loving you for such a long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You know time, time is our friend
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough

Have a little faith in me

Come on, I know you know this song, so sing it with me… Have a little faith in Meeeeee…….

I am imagining G-d singing this to me right now.  No, I don’t believe Bon Jovi is G-d.  I just really feel that if G-d were to serenade me on this summer night, this is the song He would be singing. 

Because the truth is I haven’t been turning to G-d.  I haven’t been turning to anyone.  I have been turning to myself, and telling myself, ‘You can do this! Just keep going.  You will do this.  Somehow, you will do this.’

Friends, readers, I did not do it.  I fell flat on my face.  And then I ate some mud.  I did not turn to G-d.  I did not turn to friends.  I used pride as a pair of fancy heels to make me taller than I am.  I fell. I fell hard.  I am a mother.  I fell on my son.

I never knew I had so much rage.  I never knew I could hurt a child.  I saw myself so differently.  My picture of me was this: I am a peaceful hippie.  I am an indigo flower child.  I am enlightened, self-aware.  I am a nurturing, empathic, wise mother; just check out my photos on facebook.  No.  When it comes to my son, I am a rage-aholic.  I am mean.  I am cruel.  And last night, I was out of control. 

I won’t get into the specifics.  He is fine.  But I am not.  I scared myself.  It was as though the reflection I had been seeing in the mirror shattered and the image left on the wall was horrifying.  This is me? No! Not that ugly creature! That’s not me!!!

All I wanted to do was hide.  Hide or run away.  I am feeling a million and one emotions run through my body.  But the words that are the loudest are FAILURE and SHAME.  I am failure.  I am filled with shame.  I have failed at the only thing in life you can’t fail at, motherhood.  And I am so ashamed. I want to hide away forever.

But I couldn’t hide from my son.  And I couldn’t be around him anymore.  I felt so stuck.  I cried to my father.  I told him what a failure I felt myself to be.  I told him I felt G-d smiling smugly, saying, “See? I told you you couldn’t do it.  Why did you even try?” But as I was saying this, another thought lingered deeper: It’s not G-d who wanted you to fail… G-d has been supporting you this whole time and still is.  The smug smiles I feel are from people who told me what to do, or how live.  When I went my own way, did things my own way, unconsciously I felt their need, desire for me to fail.  This could be real or imagined.  I don’t know.  And frankly, it doesn’t really matter.  All that matters is that I know that G-d has been here all along.  Supporting me.  Loving me.  Even loving the ugly, horrific creature I saw in the mirror. 

And with that knowledge I was able to come out of my hole.  Just a bit.  I couldn’t call any of my friends.  I couldn’t talk to them and let them hear my voice.  But I could email them.  I sent out an SOS to a few beloved girlfriends, explaining that I had lost control of myself and needed to take some time away from my son. 

From this little painful, inward push of myself, I received so much.  Words of love, acceptance, encouragement.  Not to mention actual help.  At this time, when I find myself so repulsive, unlovable, there is a group of women out there who accept and love me.  This is G-d’s gift.  This is G-d saying,

“And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch your fall
Have a little faith in me”

But dearest readers and friends, there is one thing that I need to emphasize, need to explain.  I did not just come about these friends.  I did not grow up, or go to school with these friends.  These are women in whom I saw something beautiful, and reached out to.  Without ever having really spoken to them, I reached out and told them I wanted them in my circle of friends.  And then I made the effort to keep up the friendships. 

And now I am reaping the benefits.  For some lucky people, good friends just happen.  I am not one of those people.  But if I would be willing to put myself out there and work for money, how much more so am I willing to put myself, my fragile ego, out there and work for these friendships which pay so much more than a paycheck. 

If you are one of the few who has a close network of friends, friends that see your ugly and still love you, take a moment and be thankful.  If not, tell your ego to go and get a coffee, take some time off, while you call up someone who’s always interested you, and tell them you want to be their friend.  Create friendships.  Maintain friendships.  They are worth all the effort.  They are worth a bruised ego.  They pay better than a 401k.  If you want more info on how I created my particular circle of friends, email me.  Let’s talk.  I will encourage you.  I will support you. 

Thank you to all those who support me.  I love you guys.

1.   Friends (duh)

2.   Sisters (kinda like friends, but way stinkier)

3.   Bon Jovi