Birthing My New Life

Holy Sh*t! I just opened up my blog page to write this blog, and the format is new.  It showed me how many page views I've had.  The number is over 2130!  No joke.  I think this may be the closest I have ever come to being famous.  I'll try not to let it go to my head.  I still feel like I can connect with all you little people.  Hehe.

Well, that was not how I was planning on starting this blog.  It was going to be a lot more dignified.  Something like this:

My new life has begun.

Sounds serious, no? Grave.  Um, no.  Not grave.  Hopeful? Anticipatory? Exciting? Meaningful? I don't know.  It is what it is.  It is my life.  

My husband is still in Pittsburgh, working by day, working by night.  I don't know how he does it.  He is drywalling, painting, fixing, sanding, smoothing, readying our house to sell.  In the meantime, The three kids and I have to be out of the house.  So... we can go to our farm, where there is no heat, and still unpacking left to do. Or we can go somewhere else.  I didn't feel ready to move in without my husband, so I choice option 'b'.  I packed three kids, 8 books on cd, and a ton of food into our car and drove to Ithaca.  Side note: I've never driven more than two hours by myself, let alone with three kids.  We left at 9:15 in the morning, (which is kind of amazing, because all the laundry was still all mixed up in the baskets and I had yet to pack), and we drove to Ithaca.  We arrived just before 6pm.  There were many bathroom stops.  Many.  We drove through rain, sleet, snow and a little bit of hail.  And you know what? I never got in a bad mood.  I sang songs, listened to kids books on cd, talked, drove.  You know what that makes me? The heroine in my own story.  Not the kind that gets rescued.  Heroine, as in female hero.  Yep, I am my own hero.

But now we are here in Ithaca and I'm turning more into the antagonist of this fairy tale.  I am short-tempered, under-slept, over-stretched and bitchy.  Seriously bitchy.  I hate it.  I hate the sound of my voice as I bark at the kids.  I hate not laughing with them, or even at them.  I hate the scowl imprinted on my face.  And yet, I have done nothing to change it.  My kids are driving me crazy.  I never get to feel like I'm off duty.  The weather is not great.  I don't have the energy to entertain or be creative with helping them to entertain themselves.  And my friends are not here.  No one to call and say, 'For the love of G-d, take my kids before I kill them!'

And now it's erev Shabbos.  Which means 25 hours of pure mommy entertainment.  No movies, no leapfrog, no science center, no library.  Just mommy.  I wish I could just change my name sometimes.  Then when they start asking for mommy, I can answer, 'I have no idea to whom you are referring.' And then they'll ask me what 'whom' and 'referring' means.  And I'll answer, 'Why are all you short people talking to me?'  Then I'll indignantly walk away. 

This is the adventure of my life.  This is the beginning.  We bought a farm.  We are leaving the city, moving to the country, raising our children with fresh air, sheep and stars.  And, temporarily, I have lost the excitement of the moment.  I have forgotten that this is what we are doing.  I am not on a short trip, visiting my sister, and being a single mom. I am starting a farm.  This is just step one.  The first baby step on the journey.  And when I can see it that way, that every moment is a step on my journey towards pioneering a new life, well, then this step, however arduous and bothersome it may be, is a step towards that.  And it gives this moment meaning.  Suffering with meaning is so different from suffering without.  A man passing a kidney stone is suffering without meaning.  A woman birthing a baby is suffering with meaning.  I am not passing a stone, I am birthing my life.  

People, I need you to remind me of this when I bitch.  

I AM BIRTHING MY LIFE.

I AM BIRTHING MY LIFE. 

I AM BIRTHING MY LIFE.

PUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.  I am feeling better now.  *Big deep breath taken now.

Thanks guys, I needed that.  

1. Moments of clarity

2. Being a Hero

3. Having a place to go when I can't be home

4. My niece (seriously one of the cutest things ever to grace this planet)

5. Finding 20 minutes to write this blog

6. 2130 page views!!!