80% Excited 20% Scared

Okay people, it is on. It is so on. We are signing in January and selling our house. We'll move up there as soon as this place is sold. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Breathe. Breathe. Okay, that's a little better.

So how do I feel about all this? Well, have you ever seen the movie Armageddon? There's a seen where they are in the rockets, about to shoot up to space, and Owen Wilson says something like, "I'm like 80% excited and 20% scared. Or maybe I'm 80% scared and 20% excited. I don't know, but that's what makes this so great!"

Yeah, I feel like that. But right now I'm thinking about my children. (When am I not?) Yesterday my daughter knocks over the fish bowl. Wakes the baby by flashing a bright light in his eyes. Poops in the bath. My eldest son comes home from school and play date super excited. Says he loves school and his friends. My baby wakes me up all night so I'm a zombie the next day. All of this is life and it's great.

Now take this picture and move it to the country. Instead of a little fish bowl, there's an actual fish pond. Imagine the trouble (and danger) my daughter can get into. My son is just starting to really enjoy his social interactions and learning. Can I suddenly be his best friend, teacher and playmate? All while trying to keep up with a baby? And then add to this picture daily chores of tending gardens and animals.

What I believe it will come down to is this: If we build it, will they come? I can't do this alone. Maybe for a while. Maybe to get things started. But what I want, what I crave, is community. I want to know that when I'm not enough, others are there. I want my children growing with a multitude of adults they can trust and turn to. I want women who are different from me to expand my world with who they are and what they bring into this world.

My Rabbi once told me this: He said that there was I a reason I felt I didn't belong in any community I've ever lived in. He said most likely I never would. Unless, of course, you build your own community. I think he meant that last bit to be funny.

Well, that's the punchline. I'm building my own community so I can finally fit in. And I hope this becomes, not a selfish act, but the greatest gift I ever give my children... Besides life, of course. Because that's a pretty big gift too.

1. My daughter's retelling of how she pooped in the bath
2. That it's bedtime
3. The fact that no one will ever care what haircuts anyone in my family may or may not get
4. Yup. It's bedtime