NOT Fine, Thank You

I'm feeling the pressure.  Hubby said that he will put the kids to bed every night for a month if I use the time to write a blog.  I can't miss an opportunity to avoid mama duties.  Nor can I NOT write a blog, since I'm always complaining that I want to write, but I can't find the time.  So all excuses are gone and it's writing time.  I'm assuming that if I write 30 blogs in 30 days (except for a few nights when I go visit my sis) that a bunch of it will be crap, but some gems will hopefully emerge.  So sit tight, and let's all get through this together!

Life has been... challenging.  There has been good.  There has been great.  There has been horrific.  And mostly, there's challenge.  Why?  Because I have three kids who drive me absolutely insane!  And I have a husband, and we drive each other insane.  And there's always sh*t that needs to be done.  And people everywhere are hurting.  Badly.  And life is hard.  Glennon Melton (my most favoritest blogger and person I haven't met yet) says We Can Do Hard.  We can.  But it's not easy.

So in this life, with all it's challenges, hardships, beautiful moments, heartbreaks, I have seen my choices, read my self help books, and decided I want to be a Whole Hearted person.  That's what Brene Brown calls a person who embraces all aspects of life and chooses to be vulnerable, rather than hardening yourself.  It's a lot more than that too, but that's what resonates with me most.  It's about seeing yourself and everyone around you as worthy of love.  That doesn't mean throwing your heart on the chopping board to be butchered by anyone out there.  It just means embracing it all.  It means being a Truth Teller.  I would like to be a Truth Teller.

So in that vain, today the check out girl, at the amish store down the road, asked me how I was doing, as she checked out my groceries.  It was your ordinary, 'Hi, how are you doing today?'  But hey, I'm trying to live as a Truth Teller, so I said, 'Well, I'm here.  And that's saying something.  It's not much of an accomplishment to some.  But right now it's all I've got.  And it's good enough.'

I'm sure a 'Finethanksandhowareyou?' was expected.  Well, she looked at me at first and kind of nervously laughed.  But then her face dropped and she started to tell me, in a really long run on sentence, about how 'yesterday I said goodbye to my boyfriend, he left for the army, he's going for training, it's so he can get to college, but he'll be gone a few months, and I know he has to go, and I tried not to make it hard for him, I didn't want to cry in front of him, but it was so hard, and the second he turned to go I started bawling, but I didn't want him to see, but I think he did, and I feel so bad, and I didn't want to come in to work today, it just keeps hitting me, you know, I don't know when it will come, but then it hits me and I just want to cry, you know?'

And there it was.  We were not finethankyou.  The world is mostly NOT finethankyou.  In fact, is anyone REALLY finethankyou?  Don't we all have so much that we are dealing with?  We're either sleepless and exhausted from kids and family or heartbroken from longing for a family, or lost without direction in life, or struggling really hard with this whole marriage thing that is supposed to be the support that gets us through the hard stuff, but, more often than not, IS the hard stuff...  We are not fine.  I am not fine.

But sometimes we need the invitation to say it.  Check out girl was just waiting for an opening to take off her finethankyou mask and let her heart spill out a little.  It's messy.  But at least you can breathe easier with the mask off.  And if there's anything I want this blog to be, it's a place where we can take our masks off.  Breathe in the full and messy air of each other's lives.  Often I get messaged privately after a blog, with many of you sharing things that relate to what I write.  I love that you share it with me.  It feels like a really special gift.  But I wonder what would happen if we all shared it with each other?  (But if you're not ready, please continue to share with me privately!)  If we all got a little messy together?  Like those cheesy scenes in the movies where they are baking cupcakes or some other unmessy food and then a bit flour here, a cracked egg there... Next thing you know, perfect goes out the window and every counter, floor and person is covered.  But they are laughing, and sometimes crying too, because laughing and crying are both from an open heart, and you feel so good watching them BREATHE without their masks.

COME ON GUYS!  LET'S GET MESSY, TAKE OFF OUR MASKS, AND BREATHE!

Here's why I'm not finethankyou:

My kids drive me nuts.  So nuts that I wonder if I really love them the way a mother is supposed to.  Now I know that whenever the words suppose to or should show up, that there is a non-truth, usually based in fear, showing up again.  And I don't like to talk about the fear of not loving enough because I think people will say that I've taken too much on.  I shouldn't be homeschooling.  I shouldn't be homesteading.  Obviously it's more than I can handle.  But when I let go of what I think love LOOKS like, what good mothers LOOK like, my fear ebbs, and I can feel love.  It's just under a whole lot of immaturity, impatience, exhaustion and anger.  And those are parts of myself that I am continually working through.  And what better teachers than my own children?

My husband and I fight.  A lot.  What this looks like is me being passive aggressive and him pulling away or getting angry.  It's painful.  It's beyond painful.  At times I wonder why the hell G-d put us together.
At other times I see that, if we stay present and don't give in to fear, the potential between us reaches beyond the stars.  But it will take a LOT of courage.  A lot of strength.  A lot of pain.  And a lot of growth.
And a lot of letting go.  I need to let go of the idea of romance.  I like the picture of husband and wife slow dancing after a long and hard day with the kids.  I like the idea of husband watching me while I sleep.  I like the idea of being treated like the most valuable, special, rare thing in the world.
This is not my reality.  But if I let go of that and see what is in front of me, I will see:
My husband taking care of bedtime for the next month because he believes in my writing=romance.
My husband still desiring me after 15 years of being together=beauty.
My husband working his ass off day after day to provide for me=valuing me.

All this doesn't take away my longing for all the other stuff, but it is important for me to step back and see what I have.  I have a lot.  And amazingly, my heart seems to be big enough to hold gratitude, longing, hurt and pain, together, in one messy hug.  But only when it's open.

Am I messy enough for you yet?  Are you ready to get your feet wet?

And for all of you who keep telling me that I am brave for putting this out there... It's a kind of brave.  But only one kind.  The kind that comes easy to me.  I wish I were more brave in my marriage.  I wish I were more brave in person.  I would do anything to eradicate my nervous laugh.  I wish I wasn't so embarrassed about how unclean my home is when I have visitors.  And I wish I didn't tell people with messy homes how much more messy mine is, to try to make us all feel better.  I wish I didn't pretend that I'm all about 'just keeping the kids alive, hahaha' when really I am trying SO hard to raise them in a conscious way, with healthy food, wholesome influences, non-electric and plastic entertainment and NO DISNEY PRINCESSES.  And I want to say all that without saying that I am a better mother than you are.  As Glennon said, "that mother was feeding her child an avocado AT me!"  (That's how she felt when she was feeding her messy children a bunch of crap food at the mall, and she thought the crunchy granola mom was feeding her child an avocado brought from home AT her.)  No, I want to be proud of my small accomplishments, without doing them AT anyone.  But I don't have the confidence or bravery yet.  So I laugh about how neglectful I am and at how half-hazardly I do everything.

So you see, there are different kinds of bravery.  And writing on the internet is my kind.  So is moving out into the middle of nowhere and trying like hell to give my children a holistic, wholesome, G-d centered life.

But telling my husband that I am not OK with him leaving his dirty dish in the sink?  Nope, not my kind of bravery.  Yet.  Confrontation scares the crap out of me.  I get physically ill when I think about any kind of confrontation.  When I had to tell our live-in that it wasn't really working out, I had to run to the bathroom 5 times in one hour before I got up the nerve to do it.  Yes.  Confrontation gives me diarrhea.  Is there anything else you would like to know about me?

What I'm trying to say (and I'm probably over sharing while saying it) is that if you want to try to be THIS kind of brave, go ahead and share your messy here.  On this blog.  It's welcome. Because we are ALL messy.  And we are all NOT finethankyou, sometimes.  And the more we can share with each other, the more we can take off those masks, the more it makes it OK to be NOT finethankyou.  It's a gift we can give each other.

And here, on the GoodList, we can share some of our Not So Good List.  Because it's hard to feel the Good and appreciate the Good when we are stuffing the Not So Good behind our masks.  So now that you know some of my Not So Good list, here is tonight's Good List:

1. The opportunity to write more
2. My upcoming visit to my sister
3. Finally made a dinner all the family enjoyed (borsht and baked potatoes.  who knew?)
4. 15 minutes of peace during storytime at the library
5. I DON'T HAVE TO DO BEDTIME TONIGHT!  I LOVE YOU HONEY!
6. The way my kids' room smells like breath and sweat when they are all asleep and I sneak in there

Permission to Love

It's been awhile.  I'm feeling rusty, exhausted and desperate to see my thoughts in words rather than ideas floating around my head.  I get a lot of clarity from writing.  Like I'm free to stop thinking the same thoughts over and over and have permission to move on to the next revelation waiting in the wings.

So here's what's been floating around:
Acceptance.  Permission.  Love.  Judgement.  Forgiveness.  G-d.

Last night I finished reading Glennon Doyle Melton's book, Carry On, Warrior, and it tore my heart wide open.  In a good way.  I think.  A small breakdown of the book is this: I messed up a lot.  G-d loved me then, my family loved me then, I didn't know it.  I woke up, worked hard to remove my armor and open my heart, and now I see the love that was always there and now I can love myself, and now I can love you, too.

She is still flawed.  She is still imperfect.  She is still loved.  And she still loves.  And for some reason it hurts to write that.  To write that out there is someone who gives herself permission to be loved as she is.  I think G-d gives us that permission every minute of every day, but I don't give that permission to myself.

Some of the reason dates back to my childhood.  I somehow formed the idea that to be loved in my family, to really be worthy of unconditional, nonjudgmental love, I can't be a fuck-up.  I don't know why.  Because I'm sure that if I asked my family, they would tell me they have always loved me unconditionally.  So I'm not sure when or why I developed that idea.  Part of it is the condescension in our tone when we speak of each other.  Mom has been so spacey... Dad's been so arrogant... Sister's been such a procrastinator... Sister needs to prioritize.  I hear these things, I say these things. So I guess I assumed they were all being said of me.  I am impulsive.  I am stubborn.  I am naive.  I am arrogant.  I make bad, thoughtless decisions and look where they've gotten me!  I don't know if this has been said of me, but I hear it in my head nonetheless.

Some of it is from being a teenager.  Always feeling just enough on the outskirts of a social circle to not feel truly accepted as I was by my peers.  Some of it is from my husband.  I believe he is the hardest on himself, but it rolls over to those he loves.  He sees the strength in people and wants so badly for them to actualize their potential, that he misses the amazing experience of caring for them and being vulnerable with someone in their weak places.  Weak places are not bad.  We are not bad for being weak.  Because weaknesses tend to have the richest soil just waiting to be planted.

Some of it is how I interpreted my religion.  If you know me, or read my blog, you know I am an observant Jew.  I don't like the label, but it makes it easier to understand me if you have a context, so there it is.  Being thus, I sometimes feel that when I strive to connect more deeply to G-d, to ask more of G-d, there is a not so still, small voice that tells me, 'who are you to ask more when you give so little?  Do you pray every day?  Do you follow the commandments as you should?  Do you have faith?  People more pious than you ask for less... so try to give before you ask.'

I don't believe that is the voice of G-d in my head.  I don't even know if that is the voice of orthodox Judaism.  But just as I hear judgements in my head in my family's voice, I hear them in the voice of orthodox Judaism.

But when I hear G-d, I hear love.  I hear acceptance.  I hear, 'Child, stop worrying about which sponge you used to wash that dish and tell me more about the broken pieces of your heart.'  And that voice feels real to me.  But what if people learn that I am more concerned with feeling G-d's love for me as I am now, than I am with keeping His law?  What if I could love G-d deeper if I didn't have to worry about just how much hair and skin is showing, or how many minutes past shkiya I did my bedika.  Does G-d count minutes?  Does G-d count mitzvahs?  Does G-d really weigh our sins with our merits? Does living life bravely, with vulnerability, count on a scale?  Wouldn't one ounce of pure love, leaked out of an broken heart,  outweigh the unkosher food, and the missed fasts, and the short sleeved t-shirts?  Am I blasphemous for asking the questions?

And what it all comes down to is this:  Can I give myself permission?  Because my family is not going to write me an invitation.  My community will not send flyers proclaiming their full acceptance of me.  My husband may not have enough self love to love my flaws.  G-d's messages can too easily be ignored.  So again I need to ask myself, Tovah, do you give yourself permission to love yourself?  Right now?  As you are?

Friends, I need to explain that even typing the question turns my stomach and knots it tight.  I think:  I am not good enough.  I need too much from the people around me.  I don't give back enough.  I am weak.  I lack common sense.  I am not very intelligent.  Filling out any kind of form scares me.  I am scared all the time.  I am a pretend adult.  I don't love my children enough.  I don't love anyone enough.  I am not enough.

I am a flawed, broken human.

Yes.

And...

Am I worthy of love?

Yes.

Am I G-d's child?

Yes.

Does G-d love me?

Yes.

Can I feel that right now?

In breaths.  In heart beats.  In moments.

Can I love myself?

In breaths.  In heart beats.  In moments.

And for now, that is enough.

I give myself permission to love the broken, flawed child that I am.

And for what it's worth, I give you permission too.

1. My mother visiting and helping and being my mommy

2. My awesome neighbors who entertain my kids and keep them happy and occupied!

3. My hubby doing the laundry

4. My hubby being my hubby

5. Baby occasionally actually making it to the potty before he poops

6. A forgiving carpet

7. Inspired writings

Getting to Know You. And the Leibster Award!

An amazing and inspiring blogger friend passed on to me a Leibster Award!  Thanks Caitlyn of http://thejoyofcaitlin.com/  This is an award given by bloggers to bloggers, all with less than 200 followers.  I definitely qualified!  As honored as I am, the rules are that if you receive this prestigious award, you must then pass it on to eleven more bloggers.  Kind of a blogger chain letter that makes everyone feel good.  The problem is that I don't really read blogs.  Kind of hypocritical to want you all to read my blog, but not make the effort to read other's.  But I write this blog because it's my therapy.  And I'm a bit of an over-sharer.  And I like talking about myself.  And if I have time to read, it will probably be The Small Farming Journal, or The Beekeeper's Bible, or anything written by Joel Salatin.  Or it will be Angelina Ballerina.  

So I have decided to pass on the award but accept the questions, because I think they're fun.  And when I'm done I would like to try something.  I would like to ask YOU questions!  I'll make up some questions and number them.  Then, in the comments section, put down the question number (or numbers) you're answering and answer away!  No judgement people.  I'm not looking for the wittiest or hippest answer, just an honest one.  It's time for me to indulge myself a little less by going off on one of my tangents and learn about YOU!  I've seen from my stats that people in Germany, Mexico, UK, Australia, United Arab Emirates and more have all visited my page.  I want to meet YOU.  And all you Americans, Canadians and Israelis... Speak up!  You have a voice and I want to hear it. 

But without further ado, I will now answer the questions that were put to me. 

1. Where on earth do you feel the most yourself?
    It's not a place so much as anywhere where my family is.  I feel disoriented if I haven't seen      my children for 24 hours.  
2. What is your favorite quality in a friend?
    It's definitely security.  The more they are secure in who they are, the less I feel I have to be anyone but me. 
3. Best sandwich you ever ate.
   When I was pregnant I used to eat a fried egg with two strips of soy bacon inside two berry buckwheat waffles smothered in cream cheese.  It's probably not the most high class, or best sandwich I ever ate, but it seemed like it at the time.  (And I ate it almost every morning!)
4. Window or aisle?
    Window!
5. Favorite mistake.
    So easy.  Getting pregnant the third time. 
6. What is your dream date night?
    Oh man.  I don't know the last time I went out on a date.  At this point I imagine it would be something like not having to cook one night.  But honestly, a dream date right now would be more about not having to worry about anything for one night so I could really just put my focus on connecting to my husband, without all the noise.
7. What did you want to be when you grew up?  
   A marine biologist.  A zookeeper.  A vet.  Anything that had to do with animals.
8. What do you want to be when you grow up? 
   Wise.
9. Best advice ever given to you.
    Judge others favorably.  It completely changes your entire outlook and how you approach life, and even helps with self judgement and forgiveness.  
10. Worst advice ever given to you.
     "Listen to me..." Anything that started with someone else knowing what's best for me, it generally didn't help at all.
11. Best advice you can give.
     You are ok.  Who you are.  What you are.  YOU.  

Okay, that was fun!  Thanks Caitlyn!

Now, it's my turn to ask YOU questions.  Please take the time to answer AT LEAST one question.  And if you want, (totally up to you) tell us where you're from.

1. What is your favorite season?
2. What makes you laugh the hardest? (like maybe you pee a little)
3. What noises can you hear right now?
3a. What do you see when you look away from the screen and over your left shoulder?
4. What do you feel when you make eye contact?
5. What age in your life would you relive?
6. At what age, if any, did you feel you were actually an adult?
7. What drives you in life to keep going when it's hard?
8. Who has most inspired you?
9. What is one thing you have always wanted to do, but were too afraid to?
10. Most intimate moment.
11. Most embarrassing moment.
12. What do you fear people will think of you?
13. What do you hope people will think of you?
14. What do you think G-d (Divine, Great Spirit, Whatever name you have) thinks about you?
15. Song that makes you smile every time you hear it.
16. Child's name you love, but wouldn't name your child.
17. One to three words that describe your feelings about being alive.
18. Who do you most want to meet (alive or dead).
19. Does life surprise, bore, excite, bewilder, inspire or depress you?
20. One thing in your life you would do differently if you had a redo.
21. Do we each have soul mates?  Or do we make them?
22. Is the world getting better or worse?
23. Favorite part of your body.
24. What is one thing you would change about humanity?
25. If you could put out your message to a lot of people, what would it be?
26. What holds you back from doing what you want to be doing in life?
27. What is something that makes you special?
28. What is something you are thankful for right now?
29. What do you want to be able to say on your deathbed?
30. If you could teleport, where would you go?
31. Do you let shame stop you?
32. What motivates you?
33. What is the recipe for happiness?
34. What is wisdom?
35. Where are you sitting as you're reading this?
36. What's on your feet right now?
37. If you could walk into the kitchen and find anything there to eat, what would it be?
38. What is attractive in others?
39. Are you ok?
40. Can we, as your GoodList Community, help you in anyway, right now?

Okay folks!  Pick one, two, ten or all forty and let us get to know you!

And here's my Good List for the night:

1. My cold isn't too bad
2. The chicks are finally out of my bathtub and I took a bath last night
3. Cheesy spinach quinoa for dinner
4. 2 out of 3 kids in bed
5. TONIGHT'S MY HEBREW BIRTHDAY!!!
6. I'm 31 and that's OK
7. Getting the Leibster award!
8. Knowing you're all out there

Am I a Gas Whore?

Hi.  My name is Tovah.  I am a Jewish, holistic, natural mothering, teaching, farming, earth loving, humanity connecting pioneer.  And I am leasing my land to a large gas corporation.



I gave you some space to inhale sharply, feel your feelings of shock, repugnance and horror, and to judge me harshly.  Go ahead, let it out.

When you're finished, please continue reading.

The decision to lease was at once horribly difficult, conflicting and a no-brainer.

But how, you ask, can you come from generations of hardcore leftist liberals and call yourself a sustainable farmer and STILL sell your soul for a dollar sign?

Well, more than once my father has joked about leaving me out of his will due to a difference of political leanings, so consider this my insurance.

On a more serious note, this is  a big deal.  I do believe in making this world a better place when I leave it than it is now.  I do believe that we are going in the wrong direction with our modern day progression.  If you asked me what it would take to save the world from itself, I would give you a very simple answer:  Go back to community, go back to the earth.  What does this look like?  Small farming communities.  Why?  Because it solves world hunger, depression, wealth distribution and greed.  I could go on about why that is, but this article isn't really about that.  It's about gas.

We hear the words, fracking, gas, oil, and we think, corporate greed, environmental damage, pollution. And it's all true.  And yet, this is the world we live in.

But surely to be a part of it, to accept their money, is like whoring your soul.  You are condoning what they do.
And to that I say, So are you.
Let me explain:  The world runs on fossil fuels.  Whether it be dirty coal, imported oil or native natural gas, we all use it.  You can ride your bike, use cloth bags and be vegan, but you are still using products made from fossil fuels everyday.  Here are some examples from the website http://oilandgasinfo.ca/oil-gas-you/products-made-from-oil-and-gas

Eye glasses

Flip flops
Gore-Tex™
Panty hose
Polar fleece 
Raincoats
Rubber boots
Runners
Shoe polish
Shoes     
Sunglasses
Umbrellas
Velcro™
Vinyl
Zippers
Bathtubs
Brushes
Combs
Contact lenses
Curlers
Dentures
Deodorant
Hair colour
Hearing aids
Lip balm
Lipstick
Mascara
Moisturizer
Nail polish
Perfume
Petroleum jelly (Vasoline®)
Plungers
Rubbing alcohol
Shampoo
Shaving cream
Shower curtains and stalls
Soap
Toilet seats
Toothbrushes
Toothpaste
Vitamin capsules
Cables
Camcorders
Cameras
Clock radios
Computers
DVD and CD cases
DVDs and players
GPS devices
Headphones
Keyboards
Monitors
MP3 players
PDAs
Phones
Power bars
Printers
Projectors
Scanners
Speakers
Toner cartridges
TVs
Two-way radios
Video games
Waterproof cases
Lunch Boxes
Measuring cups
Mops
Pillows
Plastic containers
Plastic pipes
Plastic wrap
Polystyrene (Styrofoam™)
Pop and juice bottles
Sandwich bags
Synthetic fibres
Teflon®
Upholstery
Utensils
Venetian blinds
Wax
Window cleaner
Wiring insulation
Anaesthetics
Antihistamine
Antiseptics
Artificial limbs
Aspirin™
Bandages
Bedpans
Catheters
Cortisone
Disinfectants
Gloves
Heart valves
IV bags
Medicines
Oxygen masks
Pill bottles
Safety seals
Surgical and lab equipment
Syringes
Tools
Trays
Tubes
Artificial turf
Basketballs
Bicycle tires
Bike seats
Boxing gloves
Buoys
Face masks
Fishing line
Fishing lures
Fishing rods
Footballs
Golf bags
Gym mats
Handlebar grips
Helmets
Hockey pucks
Inner tubes
Knee, shin, elbow and shoulder pads
Life jackets
Skateboards
Skates
Ski jackets
Sleeping bags
Snowboards
Soccer balls
Speed boats
Tennis balls
Tennis racquets
Tents
Water skis
Windsurfers

Okay, obviously this list could go on forever, but I am trying to make a point.  Am I condoning evil gas corporations by leasing my land, anymore than you are by using their products everyday?  If you're answer is still yes, than let's continue.

Fracking happens.  Could I protest it?  Sure, but where would that get me?  Most of my county is already signing up to lease their land, happy that they will maybe, just maybe get to pay off their mortgage and not have to wait until they are 85 to retire from farming.  Another interesting point: Law of capture.  Look it up.  But basically it is the law that whatever was captured on your land, whether or not is originated from your land, if it is feral in nature, belongs to you.  Simplified, this means that if a deer is on your land, even if it came through your neighbors, if you catch it, it is yours.  (Providing it's hunting season and you have your permit, of course.  Something that is taken quite seriously out here.)  What it means for gas is that if they put a well anywhere within 2000 acres of you and drill down, then spread out 5000 feet below the surface and take gas that runs under your land, well, it was captured on your neighbors land and they don't have to pay you a dime.  

But still, once you take their money, you're telling them you're fine with the rape of American land!  

Well, I could not take their money, and they'll rape it anyway, but better to be a rape victim than a whore, right?
Sorry to be so vulgar, but these were the questions I was asking myself.  Does it just boil down to 'Everyone has a price?'

But there is yet more that needed to be considered.  If we didn't sign a lease we would have no say in what happened.  By working with a lawyer who represents the majority of landowners signing leases, we actually have bargaining leverage.  We can insist on certain water conservation procedures and land reparation.  We can have a say in which company buys up the leases, one with maybe a more moral operation (I do believe such a thing exists, even among evil corporate empires) and a smaller accident rate.  We can ask for better compensation.  But only as a large group of landowners.  By ourselves we are powerless.  And against the human desire for more money, especially amidst poor, rural farmers, we are equally powerless.  But when it comes to these mega-corporate giants, if we, the farmers, ask for $3,500 an acre for a signing bonus and %18 royalties (the gas companies have been known to offer $10 an acre and little royalties), the corporations may lose $10,000,000, but stand to gain billions.  They can do the math.  Again, alone we are powerless.  In a group we have choices.  

When Hilary Clinton was running against Obama, something Obama supporters liked to bring up was that Ms. Clinton was on the board of Wal-Mart.  Yeah, sure that looks bad.  But when asked about it, Ms. Clinton explained that the only reason she joined was to help sway the corporation to act in a more moral way.  That makes sense.  There are two ways to change something: grassroots or within the system.  I believe I am doing both.

I am going into the system, in my own small way, to hopefully have some kind of influence on how it runs.  At least in my small part of the world.  And as a consumer I am working the grassroots end of things.  I am very conscience of what I consume.  One of the reasons I became a farmer (besides the fact that I love dirt) is because it was the only way I could see to become a true environmentalist.  I want to produce and share my food locally.  That way I can grow sustainably and actually make the land I own healthier and richer than when I bought it.  I can influence others to eat local, organic, non-gmo foods by offering them mine.  And educating them.  And letting them be a part of the whole experience of what they eat.  I can reduce carbon emissions by not having my food shipped to me from halfway across the world.  Anything you buy in a store took more fossil fuel than you can imagine to get there.  And I don't drive to work!  As consumers we have more power than any corporation in the world.  Corporations exist because we support them.  

So if you still feel I am a hypocrite for leasing my land, then I suggest you go out and build an off the grid, energy independent homestead where you produce %100 of everything you consume, and saddle up to get to work.  Or perhaps we can all stop judging each other and do our best to make the best choices we can.  Because sometimes, (as my wise father told me) there aren't any right choices.  There are just better and worse ones.  

Choose wisely. 

Today I am grateful for SPRING!

I'm Back!

I am sitting on my porch with bright green grass, heavenly sunshine and nature’s chatter all around me.  Life is moving, at such a fast  pace I can hardly keep up.  And yet, this moment… This moment is so perfect. 

I came home from a week long vacation in Boulder, CO Monday night.  It was a vacation from life as mama, wife and farmer.  It was a week to remember I am also Tovah.  I thought I would meditate, daven, go shopping, go hiking.  And I did.  A bit.  But mostly I found myself experiencing really beautiful heart connections with people I love so much, but rarely see.  And it occurs to me that that is a big part of knowing myself.  At my core I am me and also I am one connection in a vast network of human connection.  Sometimes it can feel so isolated out here, on Farm Shmarm.  It was amazing to experience how connected I really am. 

Being away from my children was its own experience.  I missed them like crazy.  I knew I would, but I couldn't predict exactly how it would feel.  I've never been apart from them.  The best way I could describe it was that it felt like a piece of me was missing.  When I would go inside to check in, my internal compass couldn't find North.  I didn't know how to orient myself, because I have spent the last seven years orbiting my children.  Without their center of gravity I was in kind of a free fall, and at the same time, I was kind of soaring.  

But now I'm back.  And things need to be done.  And not just dishes and laundry; I need to figure out what direction Matovu Farm is moving in.   We're talking poultry, honey, eggs, mushrooms, produce, orchards, goat dairy, lamb, wool and who knows what else!  Overwhelmed?  Me too.  Each endeavor takes labor, startup investment, maintenance, and a lot of research and planning.  Not to mention, we have to figure out exactly who and what our market will be.  Say it with me now:  Oy vey!

To try and get a handle on our finances we are looking at leasing rights to the natural gas under our land.  Now, my first instinct is to tell the gas companies to kiss my fat mama fanny!  But it turns out that whether or not we give permission, gas can be taken from under our land.  The question is, who takes it, and do we get a cut.  If we are involved in the process we have a lot more say in terms of picking a responsible company (yes, there actually are decent companies out there, you just have to do your research) and how it all goes down.  If we protest, not much will happen except the gas pockets 5000 feet down will be sucked dry and we won't even know.  The only other option is to get everyone in the county to protest and then maybe it can be avoided.  But it seems it's already too late for that.  The good news is that this isn't a Marcellus Shale region.  So the drilling is as aggressive, shallow or corrupted as in other parts of the country.  No decisions are being made, but we have A LOT of food for thought.

And all that is separate from trying to start the Farm Shmarm community that is so important to the success of this adventure.  As much as I am filled with love of farming and all things dirt, for myself and my children, we need community.  So I am trying to figure out the best way to advertise what we are doing out here.  Aish.com article, Facebook page, website... All these things need to be done.  And I am wondering where the heck I am going to find the time to do all this and not go crazy!  (Have you noticed my clean language?  I am doing a six month cleanse of my mouth.  All things going out need to be as kosher and organic as the things going in.  I can't say I've held perfectly to this new word diet, but I'm trying.)

And so with that, if any of you want to be a part of building up this beautiful little corner of the world, with time, labor, financing or anything else, let me know!  We may not know exactly what to do with help right now, but if we have a list of names, come potato digging day, we'll know who to call!

1. This amazingly beautiful day

2. My children's hearts

3. The fill of love I just received 

4. My CO family (blood and heart)

5. The geese fishing in my pond

6. VACATION