I haven’t written for a while
now. There has been so much happening in
my life, so many changes. And a lot has
been brewing between Husband and me, and as I’ve mentioned in the past, he does
not enjoy sharing his inner most private life with the world, the way I
do. Can’t imagine why. But I experienced something today that I want
to hold on to. No, not hold onto as much
as be with, roll between my hands and feel into…
To be frank, I had a shit
day. Bad sleep. Stress rolled onto my shoulders
from yesterday and the day before.
Yearning for the supportive embrace of my husband, but his hands were
holding his share of the stress. I spent
much of my day filling out applications for my children’s schools and financial
aid. These applications eat away at my
soul. (Yes I am being dramatic, but
what’s the point of having your own blog if you can’t be dramatic?) Seriously, I HATE FORMS. They always want a clear, precise
answer. But my life has NO CLEAR PRECISE
ANSWERS. So I am left feeling like a
child, taking a test, unable to understand the instructions, therefore feeling
my failure before I mark an answer.
Meanwhile, I let the kids veg
out on Netflix, because there was no way I could handle forms AND disarm the
angry mob chanting “What can I doooo?” “I’m BORED.” “Mooooooommmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy.” The guilt over rotting my kids’ brains, and
turning them into shallow culture, media obsessed, instant gratification zombies,
was piled on my already heavy load.
And to top it all off, I was
living with resentment against the only other human in the house who could
offer me adult conversation, logic, comfort.
Because, in his stress, he doesn’t speak nicely. And I get really hurt, then angry, then
resentful, when someone doesn’t speak nicely to me. And I didn’t care if he was right with
anything that he said, because the way he said it to me hurt my feelings. And yes, I feel like I am 8 years old when I
say my feelings are hurt. And yes, I am
32. And that’s all there is to say about
that.
Meanwhile, I watch a show, to
zombie out my own brain, when I finally finish with the forms. And on the show is a character who seems to
brighten people’s days by being extra nice and cheerful, even when things are tough
for him. I have this thought, ‘I’ll be
extra nice and cheery in this world when my husband starts being nicer to
me. Because then I won’t be so angry and
hurt all the time.’
BOOM
Yeah, did you feel that? Because I did. It was like a wall of water hitting me,
knocking me over, washing me over.
Waking me the hell up. Why? Why would I wait to be the person I want to
be? Why would I let someone else decide
who I am? If I were angry with someone,
why would I then give him total control over me? It’s madness.
And I know I’m crazy, but I am NOT that kind of crazy.
So I made a decision. I filled the tub, put on a bathing suit and
told my two little ones to get in. And I
took a bath with them. Wet, soft, little
bodies, giggling, playing, singing songs, cuddling. Smiling.
I was smiling. I was getting the
comforting touch I craved so much. But
in such a different way. And I felt
their love so strongly, and it filled me in such a deep way.
All the stresses that were
here yesterday, that I woke up with today, they’re not going anywhere. But maybe I can put them down every now and
then. Stretch my back. And decide in the moment, Who do I want to be right now?
Gratitude…
1. This experience
2. The sunsets lately
3. The blue heron that hung out in our pond yesterday
4. This blog as my place of contemplation
5. Fresh summer berries
